Is it cool to fantasize about someone else during sex?

There are many ways to enjoy sex and get that orgasm. Such is the power of the beautiful mind that we are able to imagine countless scenarios where we could be doing anything with anyone. And that includes fantasizing about someone else—a fictional character or your ex. Surprise, surprise, not everyone’s thinking about the person they’re having sex with when they’re getting down and dirty. In a study conducted by the Journal of Sex Research, 80 per cent of women and 98 per cent of men admitted to fantasizing about someone other than their partner. 

Is this something that’s okay to do if you’re in a relationship? Pallavi Barnwal, Sexuality and Intimacy Coach and founder of Get Intimacy decodes this thinking. 

The difference between fantasy and desire

A lot of people believe that thinking about another person means that something is wrong with your relationship. That is not the case as fantasy is another shade of your sexuality. One has to understand the difference between fantasy and desire. Desire is something that you want to execute. If you’re in contact with your ex and stalking them, there is action in real life. If you’re just imagining it, it’s a fantasy and does not count as cheating. If you desire, that’s a big problem. A lot of people confuse fantasy with reality. Fantasy only enters your reality when you talk to someone about it. If it’s in your mind, no one has anything to do with it. It’s strictly your imagination

Why do we fantasize about someone else? 

When we delve into the ingredients of an erotic mind and its components, we first come across the aspect of longing and anticipation as we humans are programmed to want. And this is where fantasy comes in. We live a life that’s driven by rules. Our mind is the only place, which is like a wild territory, where you’re allowed to do whatever you want. Fantasy is a mark of ultimate freedom and sovereignty. Not many of us would like to acknowledge the fact that we have a streak in our mind that likes to violate prohibition. Forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest, after all. It’s a turn-on where we break the rules. Fantasizing about someone gives people a safe way to do so. Lastly, it’s overcoming ambivalence that makes one think about someone else. A person is torn in the middle and questions themselves ‘to do or not to do’. One likes a mix of certainty and uncertainty and it’s this conflict that’s a turn-on for them and a trigger to feel a surge of hormones in the body due to the confused state of being. To be able to overcome that and experience your fantasies is a reason why people do it. 

Should you tell your partner about it?

That’s a call only you can take. For some, sharing this information with their partner can be disturbing, and devastating to them and their their ego. On the other hand, sharing what your fantasies are could also spice things up in the bedroom. What’s important to remember here is that your fantasies belong to you and you only with there being absolutely no need to share what you think about with your partner. If you do decide to share, only do so as far as you’re comfortable. Part of understanding whether you are crossing a boundary in your relationship is considering how your behaviour impacts not just your partner, but the relationship as a whole.

Image credits: Netflix

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