How to tell your partner you started liking the other sex

A sex expert tells us how to address the situation do so by acknowledging your feelings, reaffirming your commitment towards them, and discussing how to navigate this together.

By Adit Ganguly

23 November, 2024

How to tell your partner you started liking the other sex

A lot can change in a marriage or committed relationship. It's entirely possible for someone's sexual or romantic attraction to shift, leading them to develop feelings for someone of the opposite sex or gender. If you find yourself in this situation, it's important to approach it with self-reflection and awareness of your feelings, while keeping in mind the emotions of your partner. Although it may feel like a difficult conversation to have, we spoke with Pallavi Barnwal, sexuality and intimacy coach, founder of GetIntimacy, and author of 69+ Saucy Positions and Techniques to Spice Up Your Intimate Life, to understand how to navigate this situation and have an open conversation with your partner.

How and why does it happen?

Developing feelings for someone of the same sex while in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex can happen for various reasons. First, sexuality is fluid—it’s not fixed and can evolve over time. In this case, it could be because this part of their sexuality was never recognised, suppressed, or overlooked due to societal pressures, or because they were previously in relationships with the opposite sex.

It might also be a fantasy they've never explored but have often thought about. This craving for liberation can spark attraction to the same sex, even while in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. These individuals may not have fully acknowledged this attraction before, but their changing circumstances or mindset might now allow them to recognise it. If this happens, here’s what you should do.

Losing a part of themselves in the process

A small number of people can openly admit to their partner that they’re attracted to someone else, let alone reveal that they’re now attracted to someone of the same sex. The fear of losing the relationship often leads them to hide a part of themselves, forcing them to pretend and suppress their true identity. This internal conflict creates isolation as they sacrifice authenticity for peace. Over time, the weight of concealing their feelings can erode their emotional well-being, leaving them torn between staying true to themselves and fearing rejection.

What to do?

Take the time to understand how you're truly feeling. Is the attraction and connection sexual or emotional? Once you have an answer, ask yourself if these feelings are casual or if things are getting serious. Next, think about what you’re hoping to gain from the conversation—are you seeking advice, reassurance, or change? Do you want to stay or leave? Recognising these needs will make the conversation clearer. The timing and setting are also key. Choose a quiet, private moment when both of you can give your full attention to the discussion. Avoid bringing it up during stressful or emotional times to prevent misunderstandings.

Having the talk with your partner

It’s going to be a tough conversation, but it’s one that needs to happen. Honesty and transparency are key to building trust and respect. Start by focusing on your own feelings using “I” statements rather than pointing fingers at the other person. It’s also important to clarify your intentions—are they something you want to act on, or just a passing thought? If you want to stay and work things out, reaffirm your commitment. This helps your partner know you’re not seeking something new outside the relationship. Be open about how all of this is affecting your feelings toward the relationship, and honestly address what’s lacking or changing so both of you can understand the root of the issue.

Their reaction and consequences

Acting on new attractions, especially when you're in a committed relationship, can have significant emotional and practical consequences. Take time to think through your options before deciding how to move forward. Anticipate a range of emotions from your partner—hurt, betrayal, confusion, or even relief upon hearing the truth. Their reaction is natural, and it’s important to listen and allow them the space to process their feelings. Give them time to express themselves without interruption, stay open-minded, and ensure they feel heard and understood. Be open to suggestions and compromise.

The next steps

After sharing your feelings, discuss what both of you need moving forward. Think about ways to strengthen your connection. Is there an area of your relationship that needs attention or improvement? Be open to listening and working together to find solutions. This might even involve seeking counselling—whether individually or as a couple—to build communication, trust, and intimacy.

Lead image: Netflix

Also read: How to increase sexual intimacy in your relationship

Also read: How to build emotional intimacy with your partner

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