Gifts Love Language: What It Means and Exactly How to Show It

Welcome to the world of love languages, AKA your secret weapon to building all types of lasting relationships. Chances are you already know a thing about love languages thanks to a personality test or love quiz, but if not, you’ve come to the right place.

The concept comes from the 1992 book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, PhD. And even though the book came out over 30 years ago, experts still agree love languages are the key to creating meaningful relationships.

Basically, love languages are used to explain how different people express, receive, and communicate love, says clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet, PhD. That’s why knowing your love language (not to mention your partner’s, parents’, friends’, etc.) is so essential. “Speaking in someone’s love language shows them more directly how much you care for them,” adds relationship expert Dr. Lurve.

According to Dr. Chapman, people typically gravitate toward one of five love languages when showing affection: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, or gifts. That doesn’t mean you’re not a fan of the other types, but your primary love language reveals how you show your love, and likely how you want to receive love as well.

Now if you don’t already know your love language, the first step is to (obvi) figure it out with a free love language test. Then, have your partner (or friend or whoever you want to connect with) take it too. And if post-quiz you discovered “gifts” ranks high for you or a loved one, the next step is to learn everything you can about the language.

From what the gifts love language does (and doesn’t!) mean, to dating tips and expert advice, here’s what you need to know about one of the most misunderstood love languages of the bunch.

What does the gift-giving love language mean?

As licensed clinical social worker and author of Writing with Love, Ashley Starwood, explains, this love language is all about presents. “Small gifts, large gifts, expensive or inexpensive—someone with this love language needs to receive thoughtful items in order to feel adequately loved."

The thing is, while the actual gift is great and all, for people with this love language, it’s more about the thought *behind* the gift. The present serves as a tangible, symbolic reminder of the love shared, explains Dr. Overstreet. “Taking the time to pick out a gift specific for a person shows they are worth your time and energy,” she says.

This means last-minute and generic gifts that lack heart and meaning are 100% out. “The gift has to provide special meaning to the person,” Starwood explains. “Haphazardly given gifts (even if they're expensive) won't satisfy this person.”

Oh, and in addition to being on the receiving end, people with this love language typically also love giving gifts. And chances are, they’re pros at it since they put a ton of thought and meaning into the presents they give.

Signs your love language is gifts:

• Gift-giving holidays (Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, etc.) are v important to you.

• And you probably start shopping/planning for those holidays long before everyone else.

• You never miss gifting your S.O. something “traditional” for anniversaries, like a paper item for one year together or a cotton item for two.

• Surprise flowers and token items—like a cup of coffee or snack from the vending machine—mean *a lot* to you.

• And you often find yourself surprising others with lil things just because.

• You can tell the difference between heartfelt gifts and obligatory ones.

• And you might actually feel hurt if someone just gifts you something generic.

• A fancy, expensive piece of jewelry might mean as much to you as a single flower depending on who gave it to you and why.

• You feel extra cherished if your partner pays for your dinner or a nice date night out.

• …And you might feel kinda bummed if they don’t at least occasionally offer to pick up the full tab.

• Everyone’s amazed at your stellar gift-giving ability. You always find unique items the receiver cherishes.

• You hold onto small mementos from special people and trips.

• You’ve probably dried out a meaningful bouquet of flowers or put one between the pages of a book because you couldn’t bear to just toss them out.

• If your partner gives you their favorite hoodie or T-shirt, you pretty much live in it.

Misconceptions about the gifts love language:

People with the gifts love language are materialistic or greedy.

Let’s get one thing straight: This love language has absolutely nothing to do with being materialistic, notes Dr. Overstreet. “It's about the person taking their time and energy to find a specific gift for the person,” she explains. That’s the true value these people find with gifts.

The reason these folks like gifts over say, their partner taking the time to clean the house or watch a movie with them, is because the gift is a physical representation of their bond that they can look back on. Receiving something makes them feel seen and cherished.

It’s also really important to note that we can’t (and don’t) choose our love language. Licensed marriage, family, and sex therapist Adrienne Michelle explains they actually kinda choose us. “Love languages are partially built on how we received or desired love as a child and how emotionally tied we may be to those actions,” she says.

Gifts have to be expensive or flashy.

Since the gifts love language is less about the money and more about the sentiment, presents for these folks don’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Granted, it all depends on the person, but oftentimes small tokens like a pretty shell from a beach you visited together years ago or your fave cookie from a bakery around the corner will go just as far.

That said, for important holidays like birthdays or anniversaries, you’ll want to step it up, but that doesn’t mean shelling out more money. Something like a handmade photo album of your adventures, a compilation of your videos together, or even a Spotify playlist with meaningful songs are all *chef’s kiss* options.

How much and what type of gifts someone likes will vary person-to-person, which is why being upfront and communicating how you feel is essential. One gifts person might want to be pampered and spoiled while another just wants a nice lil surprise every now and then.

You have to be rich to date a gifts person.

As mentioned before, it’s often not about the money for gifts people, but instead, the meaning, so being uber-wealthy isn’t necessarily a requirement, explains Starward. In fact, being gifted something nice by a partner who isn’t flying around on private jets might actually mean more because the splurge shows just how much they value the relationship.

That said, if you’re strapped for cash or on a budget (respect), don’t feel like you *have* to break the bank to make a gifts person feels loved. “Sometimes the best [gifts] are the least inexpensive because of the thought that goes into them,“ says Dr. Overstreet. Her suggestion is to listen to what the gifts person likes, needs, or is into, and then get creative. “It's about the thoughtfulness you put into listening, hearing, and thinking about them,” she says. “The gift is the symbol of that love.”

Here are a few expert-recommended gift ideas that won’t wipe out your savings:

• Tickets to a drive-in to see their favorite movie (and don’t forget to pack some snacks)!
• A candle in their favorite scent.
• A Christmas ornament from every place you visit.
• That book they’ve been talking about for weeks.
• A pretty flower plucked from the garden and presented with fanfare.

Dating someone whose love language is gifts.

First thing’s first: Remember that these people feel love when receiving gifts, so while cuddles after a long day at work or cleaning the kitchen is nice and all, it probably won’t give them the warm fuzzies like a present will.

For important days like their anniversary or birthday, set a reminder a few weeks ahead of time so you can find the perfect gift. And even though holidays = presents, the “just because” surprise gifts can go just as far. Dr. Lurve says love languages need to be sewn into everyday life, so try to gift your S.O. a little something once every week or two. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy or flashy, but a few flowers or a treat from the spot you went for a lunch meeting will definitely get the job done.

As for *what* gifts your partner likes, Michelle says it truly depends on the person. “Some people may want jewelry, another person may like fragrances, and another person may want to be gifted or surprised with a date.” A good way to learn what types of presents your partner wants is to pay attention to the type of gifts they give you. Do they gravitate toward sentimental? Functional? Luxurious? There’s a good chance they’re gifting the type of item they want to receive, so try to emulate that when shopping for them.

Above all, Starwood says to “be mindful of giving gifts that have no emotional meaning, it could be worse than not getting them a gift at all.” If gift-giving doesn’t come naturally to you—and honestly even if it does—Dr. Lurve suggests having an open conversation and simply asking what types of gifts will make them feel the most special is important.

If gifts is your love language.

Even though gifts is a super common—and one of the most socially accepted—love languages, Dr. Lurve says it can easily lead to conflict if not communicated. “Make it known to your partner to avoid being disappointed or not thinking they love you,” she suggests.

And in addition to telling your partner what your love language is, it’s also a good idea to cue them in on specific gift ideas that make you feel loved. Some people just aren’t fantastic gift-givers, so helping guide them will not only ensure you get the love you need, but will ease some of their stress and concern over finding the right type of gifts to show you they care.

It’s also important to have a conversation about budget and expectations, especially if gifts is your love language. Money is a leading cause of distress in relationships, so understanding what types of gifts your partner can/can’t afford will give you perspective. Finally, Michelle says you have to remember that partners don’t hold the “sole” responsibility to fulfill all your love-related needs. “If your love language is gifts, don't forget to treat yourself,” she says.

What if your love language is different from your partners?

Before you start worrying, Dr. Overstreet says most people don’t have the same love language as their significant others, and having matching ones isn’t a sign of a lasting relationship. Instead, having open communication and learning to “speak” your partner’s love language is what builds lasting bonds. “The focus needs to be giving love the way your partner wants versus how you want to receive it,” explains Dr. Overstreet.

As you work together to learn each other’s love languages, tell your partner how much you appreciate when they show love the way you desire it. And don’t forget about your partner’s love language—chances are they show you tons of love in their own way. Michelle notes knowing how your S.O. naturally expresses their admiration will help strengthen your connection further.

Above all, whatever your love languages are, Dr. Overstreet says keeping the lines of communication open, practicing empathetic listening, and showing your partner the love they need is what truly matters.