I Don't Get Wet When I'm About to Have Sex

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years but just recently started having sex because I wasn't ready before. There's just one problem: I don't get wet when we are about to have sex. I don't know if I get nervous and it triggers me to go dry down there all of a sudden, but it's obviously making things a bit difficult, not to mention painful. I don't have a problem getting turned on when we fool around in other ways, but as soon as I know we are going to have sex, it happens. I see him frown a bit when he reaches down to touch me and realizes I'm dry. I don't want him to think it's something he's doing wrong or I don't want to have sex with him, especially since he's had to wait so long. What can I do to ease my nerves when the time comes?

Sex — particularly if you're new to it — makes everyone anxious. And sex makes our bodies respond in all sorts of different ways. Your reaction is not unusual. But I'm sure it's frustrating. Often, the most frustrating thing about anxiety is that it is (pardon the metaphor) a slippery slope: The more you fret about something, the more anxious you become.

So, instead of encouraging you to find new ways to plumb the psychological depths of exactly why you're anxious (which is totally normal, after all), I'm just going to be practical: I'm going to suggest that you just ease the friction with some lubricant. Make lubricant a regular part of your sexual practice — and let your boyfriend know that it turns you on when he slows down (or goes down) and makes time for foreplay. Don't worry: a little lube won't dampen his enthusiasm — and since he won't have to worry as much either, it should reduce the friction between both of you. You're worried about hurting his feelings, so don't be shy and confuse the situation: Tell him what's going on. More communication never hurts.

That said, this is a physical symptom and I'm not a doctor. You might want to speak with a professional. Even if it's nothing, just airing your concern to a doctor might ease your mind.

I recently started seeing an awesome guy that I met online. He's slightly older — I'm 22 and he's 29, and he told me in a fairly timely manner than he has two kids, 9 and 6. I love kids and like the guy, but I'm fresh out of college and still figuring things out. I certainly don't want to waste anyone's time. What are some things I need to consider when dating a guy with kids? Are we just in too different of life stages?

Are you two too different? Are the age gap and two children too much?

Aside from actual laws, there are no firm rules when it comes to love. Despite the promises of online dating sites, there's no infallible algorithm. There's no optimal age gap. There's no rule of thumb, no matter how screamingly, seemingly obvious, that some couple, somewhere, hasn't broken — and then gone on to live happily ever after.

But some things are harder than others — and you're right to pause and consider what will be different when you're dating an older man with kids. First off: Don't worry about wasting "anyone's time," as you write. That's for him to worry about. It's your job to figure out if this relationship works for you. So long as you're being honest with him — and not making promises you can't keep — take all the time you want.

Long-term, this could work out amazingly well — or not. No matter what, it's going to be tricky. (I say this as a divorced father myself.) Since this guy is older and has two kids, he's going to be less flexible than you. He's not going to be able to meet you halfway. Instead, you're going to have to triangulate between your needs, his needs, and the needs of his two kids.

That goes from everything from time to money to priorities. It will be harder dating him than dating someone else because it means that you're going to have to compromise much more. For instance, you might want to move to another city some day. Depending on the particulars of his situation, his custody agreement might make it impossible for him to move anywhere else until his kids are out of high school, 12 years from now. He may not want to have more kids and you might be certain that you want to have kids of your own. Being a step-parent could be enormously gratifying, but there are 1,001 ways you will have to prioritize his children. And you need to think about that practically.

As for the kids themselves, I think you have to remember that they are his children — not yours. It's up to him to set boundaries and explain your relationship to them. But it's generally a good idea to keep some distance until you're sure that you want to be a serious part of their lives. In general, I don't recommend introducing children until the adults are sure of what they're doing — so that the kids only bond with the new partner after their role is defined. There's no reason to rush. Only get serious with the kids after you're sure that you want to get serious with the parent. If you don't, you might end up staying in a relationship too long for the kids' sake, which may only hurt them more if you break up.

Since you're just 22, you might not know many other couples in this situation. You should ask around and talk to people who know what it's like to make relationships with kids work. I'm sure you're thinking through this situation carefully, but it couldn't hurt to talk to some trusted people who have more firsthand experience with the trade-offs and sacrifices involved.

As for whether or not this is the right guy, there's no rule. There's just you and him. (And his kids.) As different as it is to date a man with kids, it ultimately comes down to the same questions: Do you love him? Can you build the kind of life you want for yourself with this person? At 22, when so much of your life is unwritten, the first question is often easier to answer than the second.

A year ago, I married a high school friend who is in the military. Our sex life was great before we got married, but ever since we've been married, all I can think about is my ex and how good the sex was with him. My ex was the first person I ever had sex with, and we haven't seen each other in three years. I don't want to think about my ex because I love my husband. I also know that there is no one out there that could treat me better than my husband treats me. How do I get over my ex? This isn't fair to my husband who actually cares about me and treats me right.

First off, you're not cheating on your husband by thinking about how great sex used to be with your ex. It's fun to have hot memories. And there's no Men in Black-style memory-erasing stick that can scrub them from your brain anyway.

But it sounds like you're thinking about him than more than you might like. Odds are, it will just take a bit more time for the memory of your ex to recede, but in the meantime, I can offer one piece of advice: Instead of retreating into memory and fantasy, focus all that frustrated, fantasy-driven sexual energy on your husband. Try to dream up some new fantasies with the man you actually love.

It's always easier to fantasize about something unreal than to put real work into an actual relationship — particularly because it can be awkward to ask for more in a sexually frustrating relationship — but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make your marriage every bit as hot as the relationship you had with your ex. Talk about what turns you on, ask for what you want, and try to live new fantasies with the man you really love. After all, it sounds like you'll be together for a while.

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