How BDSM’s newfound popularity is changing the way we talk about sex

The term ‘BDSM’ has been whispered for an epoch. The practice of ‘Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, and Masochism’ was once a sexual subaltern; one that piqued curiosity but was never ‘for us’, the ‘normals’. ‘Kink’ in itself had a problematic connotation at its heart—a synonym for ‘flaw’ or ‘imperfection’; a thing that deviated from the sexual median, othering it from mainstream sex. Until, of course, the mainstream decided to co-opt it.

To be fair, BDSM was always laced through the archives of literature and cinema, should we have chosen to find it. It tried to roam free among us, shunned by a society that could not fathom the power of this extremity-based dynamic. John Wilmot’s Sodom, or the Quintessence of Debauchery (1684) or Justine by Marquis de Sade (1791) date the practises back centuries, while cinema like Luis Buñuel’s Belle de Jour (1967) or La Prisonnière (1968) by Henri-Georges Clouzot prove that it had been playing out onscreens for an engaged audience despite its purported ‘nicheness’.

Despite the critical disdain I have for this series, I can’t deny it was EL James’ Fifty Shades trilogy that actually pulled back the curtain on BDSM and brought it centre stage. Through the character of Christian Grey (played by Jamie Dornan), we had the exciting, daunting world of kink on a bountiful platter, bursting with delights we wouldn’t have dared to dabble in—on our own. In Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson’s character in the film) was our innocence, taken for a wild ride by a thrilling, all-knowing stranger, opening doors to avenues our bodies hadn’t dreamed of. And so, out came BDSM from the shadows and into the zeitgeist...

The more conversations I have, the more I discover how surprisingly common it is for people to want to be choked, slapped, controlled, and roughhoused in bed; or, alternately, to be the ones doing the choking, slapping, or controlling.

Even raw data suggests it; with a 2024 study by dating app Happn revealing that BDSM and role-playing held universal appeal across age groups.

The other thing I found fascinating was how most people lowered their voices while telling me, a flicker of soft shame crossing their face as they did. Each person I spoke to thought it was deviant of them to like it—particularly women who enjoyed submission, or men who enjoyed dominance.

The interesting thing is, most people find themselves leaning toward some version of a sub-dom dynamic but embracing it full-fledgedly is another ball game altogether. “I’m so into being slapped in bed,” says Anvesha* “I love being tied up, having my hair pulled hard when someone’s f*cking me from behind. But I can’t fathom bringing toys and whips or whatever into the equation.”

“I like it rough in bed, and I am also into a lot of pleasure control; but most guys get a little nervous when I really ask for what I want,” says Asha*. “So now, I list that on one of my dating apps. There’s one I use only to hook up with people, so I mention that I’m a switch (I like being both dominant and submissive) and I want someone who’s comfortable with that. I think that’s definitely helped me find better sexual partners—and there’s a lot of people into BDSM out there who appreciate that clarity, too.”

Rhea*, on the other hand, is part of the contingent that is curious, but cautious. “I like watching it, and I feel like I would really like some form of BDSM; but I feel like a bad feminist. It feels wrong to want a man to dominate me, even if it is in bed.”

It’s a conundrum many women who engage in BDSM have; one that my favourite sex and relationship therapist Esther Perel addresses in her book, Mating In Captivity. “The harsh realities of violence, rape... require that we keep a tight rein on the abuses of power that pervade the politics of sex. The poetics of sex, however, are often politically incorrect, thriving on power plays, role reversals...and subtle cruelties.” Perel addresses that our relinquishing of that freedom, even in the bedroom, seems like a betrayal to everything we have fought for as feminists.

What is interesting, though, is that it is exactly the opposite of that for most women who choose BDSM, especially a submissive role. It can be a release, a letting-go that proves both electrifying and cathartic. Perel also, very rightly, points out that the very choice to partake is the antithesis of oppression. “Prisoners rarely have the desire to pretend they are prisoners. Only the free can choose to make-believe. Play has the potential to disrupt the very notions of gender categorisation.”

And it works both ways.

Dominance is what gets Raina* off; and she enjoys the bells and whistles. “I enjoy having the power; making someone beg, controlling their pleasure using toys. It is not even violent for me; I just love that power dynamic.” But it takes her a while to be able to share that side of her with someone. “Sleeping with someone doesn’t mean I’ll share my kink with them. I’ll only try it if I’ve known them for a while.”

Which leads us to the core of the BDSM apple; trust. Safety is everything when you’re toying with the dimensions of pleasure and pain. There is a veritable smorgasbord of toys, devices, role play, acts, and fetishes you can explore in the world of kinks; and your north star is always going to be your partner(s). Every person I speak to mentions how crucial it is to navigate it with people you trust to hear you, respect you and prioritise you through the process. Trust is the process.

The checklist

These starter tips could help.

Kink tests: Take one; and make your partner(s) take one too. It is good to have a clear idea of where you land on the dom-sub switch scale.

Toys: Do you want them involved? What excites you? What terrifies you? Discuss.

Aftercare: BDSM is incredible when it's done right—and respectfully. Part of that respect is aftercare; TLC that connects your partner(s) and you and restores you after the intensity of your session.

Safe word: It is just a simple word agreed upon that tells your partner when to stop.

Consent: It’s key. And in a situation like this, you and partner(s) constantly need to listen and watch for it.

Where to turn

BDSM can feel like a daunting maze to navigate. This can be your roadmap…

Inkbunny, KinkTalks: Forums and advice platforms for beginners.

Mumbai Kinksters, Delhi Kink Society, Bangalore BDSM Community, Pune Kinksters: Event organisers that put together city-centric play parties, workshops, and munches (non-play meetings to discuss BDSM-related subjects and network).

FetLife, Meetup.com: Platforms that organise events and connect you to the community.

r/TheIndianBDSM, r/ BDSMcommunity, r/BDSMIndia, r/indianfetish: Reddit communities for conversations, queries, and BDSM networking.

*All names have been changed

Author and editor Saumyaa Vohra’s Match Point is a column that explores the ever-evolving dynamics of young love. Vohra is the author of the novel One Night Only, published by Pan Macmillan India.

This article originally appeared in the Cosmopolitan July-August 2024 issue.

Image credit: Getty Images

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