What Does Masculinity Mean Now?

By Esther Perel

Esther Perel is a relationship therapist, New York Times bestselling author, popular TED speaker, and the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? Her next project, an e-course for couples looking to keep their spark alive, launches later in 2018. Learn more at estherperel.com or follow @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram

HINT: NOT WHAT IT USED TO.

As women continue to claim their fair share of power (at work, at home, in relationships), male behaviour—and what it means to ‘be a man’—needs to be rapidly rethought...by both genders. Because while it may sound controversial, redefining masculinity shouldn’t rest solely on the shoulders of men. When major cultural shifts happen for half of our society, they affect the other half just as much. For instance, now that women are becoming more empowered in the workplace, men might have to take on additional duties at home or change the way they operate at work. This is prompting the need for conversations about new roles for both parties and how
gender expectations, in general, should evolve. You may be thinking, Wait, this is the time for men to listen! Why should women have to help them? But we’d like you to see it another way.

You’re not thinking about male behaviour only to make the lives of men easier. You’re doing it to make your life easier. Men who are changing to adapt to new societal norms are impacting your relationships, health and
well-being, too. In the end, this is about all of us. Here are the three traits that everyone should encourage in men so that they can embrace a better, more flexible type of masculinity that fits our times.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Many boys have been taught, starting at around age three, to disconnect from their feelings in order to show that they are ‘strong’ and not ‘sissies’. Because of this, generations of men have been denied permission to experience a whole range of feelings, including tenderness and intimacy. Or they can access these forbidden emotions only after proving themselves in bed, when their masculinity isn’t in question. A truly modern male will be able to tap into his emotions. He’ll know that allowing himself strong feelings (like when he’s cuddling with you or discussing his fears) doesn’t make him seem juvenile or weak. To reinforce this new thinking, reaffirm to the men in your life that all types of emotions are normal and that, when they show their feelings, you’re right there with them. You might say, I want you to know that the fact that you’re scared right now doesn’t make you a wimp. That is a normal feeling to have.

STRONG COMMUNICATION SKILLS

We talk about the patriarchy (a society ruled by men) and how it’s hurt because it’s given men superb power. But the truth is that patriarchy hurts everyone. In not necessarily having to collaborate with others to succeed—and instead relying on physical strength and one-upmanship—men have isolated themselves. Today, it’s become clear that men must be much more communicative to succeed in all areas of life. They need to open up and breed trust—things women have always done. So our advice is to get guys talking. When you are on a date and want to know more about how a man relates to people, ask questions like ‘Do you cook for yourself?’ or ‘How
do you relax?’ These are gender-neutral conversation starters that reveal how he cares for himself and connects with others.

VULNERABILITY

Just as societal expectations have been placed on women to be submissive and pleasing, the dominant male model we have held for centuries is that men must be competent and tough, provide and protect. They need to be self-sufficient and fearless, not mama’s boys or financial failures. Many women have been unaware of how heavy that burden has been, partly because, as I explain above, men haven’t talked about it all. (There is no equivalent to being emasculated for women.) And so, as we help women find their voices, we also need to support men who open their hearts and reveal their vulnerabilities. We need to talk about the different kind of shame that men live with, their fear of humiliation, and their pervasive fear of rejection. These things are hard to discuss because, sometimes, women feel uneasy when they are faced with male vulnerability and insecurity. You may say that you want your male partner to be soft, sensitive, and tender, but if he reveals too much or cries in front of you, do you get scared or angry? If so, it is because society has repeatedly shown us that these qualities mean a man is fragile. But, in reality, they only mean that he is human.

 

This article was published in the July 2018 issue of Cosmopolitan India.