Shenaz Treasury’s new book is the answer to all our dating woes

How many times have we sat with our friends, hopefully sipping on and biting into whatever nourishes our souls, and asked “Could a boy be threatened by a girl’s success? Once the unattainable becomes attainable does love end? Do no butterflies mean no love? Is there any logic in love? In a world of options, is monogamy too much to expect?”. The unending list of dating woes goes on...

Now picture the enticing world of actors and influencers, those on-camera lives we so badly want an off-camera peek into.

Squished perfectly in between is Shenaz Treasury’s latest creative endeavour, a book that trapezes (yes, we’re inspired by the six-pack Brazilian, Cirque du Soleil performer she dated), tumbles, and traverses the many (hey, why not, we’re cheering!) boys she’s dated.

We caught up with the actor, former veejay, and now author to see if she could let us in on some of the pertinent questions she asks the readers in her writing debut.

When did being single become equivalent to being desperate?

“It is a question I can’t escape to this day!” From being 28 and hopping from one friend’s sangeet to another’s shaadi feeling the void of not having found “the one”, to over a decade later when her mother still brushes off her many achievements only to remind her she hasn’t found the two Hs (husband and house) so she couldn’t have made it. “I remember feeling desperate about wanting to get married when I was in my early 30s, and now I can’t help feeling like I have failed my mum,” says Shenaz, who travels the world with her 1.1M followers on Instagram. But at least she has foregone the feeling of singledom anguish for herself and looks forward to the next chapter (aka man) in her life.

Do we chase bad boys because they free us from the pressure of being good girls?

Shenaz can say she loves herself a bad boy without any hesitation. “Part of it is to do with us Indian girls feeling the need to be ‘good’ all the time and partly to my love for adventure.” And if her book is anything to go by, she has had plenty of it. “I mean, imagine me, front-row ace student, moving right from my class to the streets of Harlem, dating Skater Boy in the midst of underground clubs, singing, and spray painting graffiti!” Of course, she can’t help but wonder, as she does in the book too, if the same things you are attracted to become reasons you push them away later. But, at least you are having fun in the process!

Are our past lessons a blessing or a curse?

“I have dated many men who I’ve been a provider for, and inevitably, had them become resentful of it. Most guys cannot escape the idea of being a provider, and it was the same with the men I dated (Roller Boy and Humble being two who find mention in her book). And inevitably, they haven’t been able to live with the reality.” But what it left her with was an understanding that it was the same with all the men. So much so that when she once again found herself in a similar situation with a boy who was a real support through Covid, she broke it off anticipating a repeat, leaving her with a what-if. Blessing or curse? We shall never know, take your pick.

In this world of options, is monogamy too much to expect?

Believe it or not, for Shenaz this was a recent discovery. She had distantly heard of it, but didn’t realise it was something she may actually come across in her “dating career” (as one of the men in her book calls it). Funnily, the same man in the book is the one not looking for a monogamous relationship, honestly telling her that while she may be a 10, he was a man who could meet a four in the bar and want to sleep with her and he had no qualms admitting it. “The question then remains, who would you prefer, someone who cheats on you for two years (again, as elucidated in the book) or someone who tells you honestly that he cannot be with one woman?” She laughs as she hopes to find the perfect in between. Aren’t we all hoping for the same? Some sort of in between?

When it comes to matters of the heart does anybody hit the jackpot?

“I don’t believe there is one,” emphasises Shenaz. As she puts it, for a relationship to really thrive, you need mental, emotional, and physical compatibility to begin with. Then there is the need for shared values, some synchronicity with economic backgrounds, and, in this day and age, alignment of political views. Can you really find that someone? “Forget that, is it right to expect everything from one person? Aren’t you putting too much pressure on that one person for just too much?” she asks. As we conclude the chat, she can’t help but ponder on the one quality of relationships that is ubiquitous—“They are all a lot of work, and both people have to want to put in that work.” We’re all looking for it, working on it, praying for it, or possibly finding it in ourselves. Whatever phase you are in, there are plenty of questions to answer, and here are some from Shenaz, albeit for herself:

• Shenaz, always trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t let those dreamy biceps cloud your judgment. Your intuition is your sexiest asset, use it!

• If he can’t keep up with your energy, enthusiasm, positivity, and appetite for life, then he’s not for you. Keep your standards as high as your heels (even though I wear flats).

• Life’s too short to take everything too seriously. If he can’t laugh at himself or find humour in the uncomfortable, or when stuff hits the fan, then he’s not the leading man you’re looking for. Laughter is the best foreplay after all!

• Don’t be afraid to show the real you—flaws and all. It’s in our imperfections that true connections are formed. After all, love is about finding someone who appreciates you in your messy chaos.

• A hot guy is an accessory, not a necessity. Let him complement your life, not complete it. Your dreams, career, and friendships are just as important as any romantic entanglement, maybe even more. Because, guess what, your career will never wake up in the middle of the night and leave you for another woman (but many boys will).