Navigating the emotional challenges in polyamorous relationships

The term “new normal” is often bandied about to garner excitement for an idea that breaks with conditioning. The term has definitely been used for polyamory, a structure wherein someone has sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same time. In light of the conversations I have had, I really wouldn’t go that far. Polyamory isn’t a revolutionary new idea, it is one that has slowly taken form in a pushback against the conditioning of monogamy. It is about as normal—or as abnormal—as the idea of having one partner at a time. The only difference is that monogamy is part of the average Indian’s core conditioning while polyamory is divergent from it.
 
To me, the “new normal” is multiple relationship structures existing in harmony, but it would be unfair not to acknowledge that some relationship structures have been at the centre of more discourse than others. We know monogamy better because we were raised with it. Consensual non-monogamy in itself is a structure that cracks the backbone of our understanding of relationships. And then, there’s polyamory, which takes so many of the ideas that monogamy holds sacred and bets them all on a high-stakes blackjack table. To the uninitiated, it seems a terrifying gamble, akin to relationship anarchy that seems a recipe for heartbreak. It has so many nuances to unpack, but the security confusion always brings the discussion to a boil. And there’s no right (or wrong) reaction. 

“No conversation about jealousy can bypass the ongoing debate between nature and nurture. Is jealousy hardwired, forged deep in the recesses of our evolutionary past? Or is it a learned response, a socialised construct born out of outdated ideas about monogamy? The argument is at the forefront of most contemporary discourse on the topic,” writes Esther Perel in her 2017 book The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. It is natural in the poly construct to believe you have “no right” to be jealous, and thereby to not even acknowledge those feelings to yourself, let alone your partner. 

However, a 2018 Ohio University study by Valerie Rubinsky talks about exactly why that first acknowledgment is so important. Rubinsky’s paper, Bringing up the Green-Eyed Monster: Conceptualizing and Communicating Jealousy with a Partner Who Has Other Partners, analysed 423 open-ended survey responses from 141 individuals involved in polyamorous intimate partnerships. “The typically negative connotation of jealousy results in the construction of jealousy from a monogamous ideal (Ritchie & Barker, 2006),” states Rubinsky. “Some polyamorous, bisexual individuals in an organised polyamorous community in the United Kingdom found other words to describe experiences of jealousy, as they felt the typical word “jealousy” did not reflect their own experience.” The study makes an incredibly valid point—jealousy is natural, but also rooted in a construct we have considered natural. The difference isn’t not feeling it, but managing it with communication. And, of course, one other key factor that finds its way into the equation. 

For Riya*, singledom suited her best until she met a polyamorous photographer that made the exploration worthwhile. “He has multiple partners, and healthy relationships with each of them. I’m not a sexually jealous person, and I feel like my emotional needs are being met because he gives me enough time. I like the idea of having him—and having others who fulfil other aspects of what I want and need. And I can be happy about him having the same.” 

Riya* admits she’s still dabbling, but hits on a key point—feeling that one person cannot meet all your needs (and vice versa) and being happy for them when other partners can meet those needs (again, vice versa). “The polyamorous community orients toward compersion in an effort to manage jealousy (Deri, 2015; Wolfe, 2003). Experiencing happiness for a partner’s happiness, for some participants in the present study, was a realised goal,” Rubinsky’s study states. “Perceiving needs not being met prompted feelings of jealousy for participants.” 

It was what made Pritisha* reconsider polyamory after doing it for two-and-a-half years, when she felt her primary partner was pulling away. “I had had a lot of faith in the concept until I felt like his secondary was taking over completely.” It took her time introspection, and (importantly) therapy to figure out that the structure wasn’t the issue, it was that it didn’t work for her partner anymore. “He’s monogamous with her now, and it stung for a while, but it helped to realise that we simply wouldn’t have fit in the long run.” She’s still polyamorous, with two partners, no hierarchy, and a desire to take things slower than the last time. 

Polyamory, in general, is an infinite well of conversation—one I wouldn’t dream of trying to cover in one humble column. Books like Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern, More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux, and The Smart Girl’s Guide To Polyamory by Dedeker Winston, for instance, are having these conversations at length. But in my conversations about jealousy within the construct, I understood that there were three core aspects to dealing with it: honesty (communicating and listening openly), prioritising your partner, and valuing their happiness (and letting other partners provide what you can’t). That said, insecurities are natural and will emerge in polyamory. What really counts is treating them—and meeting them—with love. 

*All names have been changed.

Vibe check 

Before you discuss it with a partner (or plural), have the most important conversation you need to have with yourself. Ask yourself these five questions before you consider taking the poly plunge... 

Do I have the emotional bandwidth for this?

All structures take work. But polyamory is likely to take additional work simply because there are more parties at play. Even though you like the idea, you might find that you aren’t in the emotional headspace to take that work on. Not acknowledging that ahead of committing to it is a disservice to you...and everyone involved. 

How will I prioritise my own mental health? 

When managing the feelings of various partners, understanding if you can prioritise your own emotional needs through the process (and having an action plan for it) is crucial. 

What are my boundaries and deal-breakers? 

Breaking down what boundaries you need, what aspects are non-negotiable, and what constitutes cheating to you is the healthiest thing you can do before you start. In a space where you can easily get lost, it gives you (and your partner) a roadmap. 

What kind of hierarchy would work for me? 

Understanding that there are myriad hierarchies you can choose from will help you find the one that is likely to work best with what you can give as a partner—and what you want from yours. This conversation needs your partner’s involvement at the next stage, but defining this for yourself is critical. 

What do I need to feel secure? 

Put down your fears, and then put down a code that can allay them. Don’t try to be cool about things that inherently feel wrong to you. Being clear about what you need to feel safe in this structure will make things as smooth as possible—for you and your partners.

Author and editor Saumyaa Vohra’s Match Point is a column that explores the ever-evolving dynamics of young love. Vohra is the author of the novel One Night Only, published by Pan Macmillan India.

This piece originally appeared in Cosmopolitan India, May-June 2024 print issue.

Lead image credit: Getty Images 

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