11 Ways To Quit Being So Nice And Learn How To Set Boundaries

It would be easy to argue that women are taught to be givers, and some of us are generous to a fault. We not only give time, energy, and resources the people we love, but also to people we don't even like much at all, because we don't want to disappoint others. While giving is a lovely attribute, giving too much can lead to deep resentment, depression, and health issues. "The reality is that you can't change your 'giver' personality and you shouldn't," says recovering over-giver Katie Henry PT, DPT, CIMI, a physical therapist and health coach. But over-givers have to strive to put themselves first, create boundaries, and also release their guilt about not taking care of everyone's needs. "It's not selfish—it's necessary," says Henry. "People will be surprised at first, but it will lead to them having much more respect for your time." Not sure how to start putting yourself first? Follow this step-by-step guide.

1. Identify the 'takers' in your life.

"The psychology of a taker is to get as much as possible from an interaction and give little to nothing in return," says human behavior expert Trevicia Williams, PhD. "They thrive on seizing the self-centered benefits of encounters and relationships with other people. With that 'what's in it for me' mentality, their focus is primarily on self-gain."It's important to keep in mind that takers are not necessarily bad people, but they are focused on their own needs—not thinking about yours.

2. Explore the part of you that needs to give.

Some people derive all of their self-worth from giving, or they use it as a strategy to avoid their own problems. "I was the ultimate compassionate and unselfish person," says Mary Ann Lowry, an ADHD support coach. "I had no idea that my excessive giving of time or literal gifts was my way of numbing and truly 'hustling' for my worthiness. As long as I was giving, I didn't have to think about my own issues." A friend shed light on her underlying anger, resentment, and passive aggressive behavior, and it led her to therapy. "I had a blind spot when it came to understanding that self-care is essential for well-being," she says. "I learned that setting boundaries is an act of compassion for myself—and others."

3. Distinguish true friends from 'users' and 'takers.'

Over-givers establish a relationship dynamic that others easily become accustomed to. "You have to get really clear with yourself first about what's motivating you when you agree to do someone else a favor," says Erika Martinez, PsyD, a psychologist with Envision Wellness, Psychological Testing and Counseling. For example, are you only doing someone a favor because you want to win friends or approval? Or because you care about that person? Also, take note of how people react when you decline to do something. "If they push and don't respect your boundary, then that's a red flag. If they express disappointment, but understanding, then these are likely the people that like you for 'you' and not what you can do for them," she says. The good news is that while you may start a relationship with one person taking more, it doesn't mean you can't change the dynamic with true friends.

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4. Establish boundaries with relatives who expect you to be at their beck and call.

The biggest takers may be those nearest and dearest to you—relatives who insist on treating you as the designated person to fulfill family duties. "Sometimes people who seem to be taking from you are simply unaware of your needs and desires because you haven't voiced them," says Dan Neuharth, PhD, a marriage and family therapist. Try asking for what you need and want. "If you keep giving to someone who only takes and doesn't appreciate what you are giving, you are teaching them to be a taker, not a giver," he says. "And if you're not taking care of yourself, you will eventually have nothing to give and nothing to show for it, except resentment." If people keep ignoring your requests and boundaries, it is time to evaluate how much you are willing to tolerate being put upon. "Healthy self-care means boundary setting," he says.

5. Resolve to cut-off habitual promise-breakers and borrowers.

It can be hard to disengage from hardcore takers who know how to push your buttons. Recovering over-giver Melissa Masters, a publicist at Crowe PR, said ending a toxic relationship several years ago led her to take the necessary steps to prevent being taken advantage of again. "I have accepted that I will never be able to stop giving completely because it's a part of who I am," she says. "However, I can try to prevent heartache. Before giving my time, money, or energy, I ask myself two simple questions: Is this person worth it? And is what I'm about to do a major inconvenience?" She factors in a few things: "How many times I have 'given' to this person, whether they have ever given back, and how long I have known them." She also weighs whether the request is something she is interested in doing—or not, such as driving 100 miles away on a work night to pick someone up or loaning someone a lot of money.

6. Try not to get sucked into other people's chronic emotional turmoil.

It's one thing to listen to, or help, a friend going through a rough spot, but be wary of needy people who consistently try to engage you in drama. "While it may seem symbiotic for givers and takers to get together, it is actually quite unhealthy," says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD. "The taker may be so set in their patterns that they may not be able or willing to change, especially if the person is a narcissist. The giver may get sucked dry and may experience psychological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and feelings of guilt and worthlessness." Make a list of three things that are a priority in your life, and make sure to get those things done before even thinking about the needs of takers. "The giver has to learn to put his or her oxygen mask on first, and then attend to others," she says.

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7. Don't jump every time someone asks you for something.

When you are highly attuned to the needs of others, receiving a simple request can put you into a tizzy as you struggle with the guilt about turning someone down, or the anger at being asked, all the while thinking of ways to juggle your schedule. "Knowing yourself and what is important to you is the easiest way to enforce boundaries," says life coach Alyce Pilgrim. "If your plate is already extremely full and you are working towards certain goals, and then someone comes along and asks you to do something, it is a lot easier to put boundaries in place." Do a reality check on your capacity for interacting with others and prioritize who you want to communicate with. Keep in mind, just as takers have no qualms about asking you to do things, you have the choice to not respond to the request.

8. Avoid social situations with people who drain your batteries.

Invitations to lunches, barbecues, or parties can be overwhelming when the person asking wants something from you. "Give yourself time to consider requests or demands before responding," says Neuharth. "You have the right to say, 'I would like to think about that overnight and get back to you.'" In addition, he says, you have the right to evaluate situations and relationships to determine if they have a healthy balance of giving and taking and to give yourself permission to reduce contact or leave a relationship or situation that is unhealthy.

9. Manage coworkers who press you to do more than your job.

Being giving in the work place can be beneficial for you career and personal growth, yet work dynamics often mimic family dynamics: You can find yourself around co-workers who take advantage of your generosity, both inside and outside of work. "Before you agree to do anything, take as much time as you need to really give the request your full consideration," says Laura L. Ryan, MA, LMFT, ChT, of A New Day Counseling and Hypnosis. Use phrases like: "Let me check my calendar," or "I'll get back to you on that." She says to also trust your body to assess how you feel, and honor your own needs. "I tell my clients to also think about how the request feels when they imagine themselves doing it," she says. "If the thought of helping your office-mate move out of her apartment turns your stomach, then the answer is 'no.'"

10. Create and model good boundaries with your kids.

Boundary-setting is as important for them as it is for you. "Holding a boundary with your kids is probably the toughest boundary to maintain," says Ryan. "As moms, we don't want our children to suffer or feel uncomfortable, but it is our duty to raise respectful kids who understand how to navigate adult relationships and have successful interactions with authority figures." If you struggle with this, she says, think about the kind of person you want your child to become. "Most people want their kids to be successful, maintain relationships, and have a career, so it's really important to teach kids how to honor your boundaries and be respectful of you."

11. Find your voice with your mate.

You may even be married to someone who takes far more than he gives. "Women are either given no clear early education about setting boundaries with others, are expected to 'be good' and not set boundaries, or are given mixed messages about what boundaries mean," says Dorian Crawford, PsyD, co-founder of C&C Psychological Services. "A mate who is a taker will work very hard to maintain the roles, as they are most comfortable." In extreme cases, purse strings may be controlled, or you may be cut off from friends and family. Women who are feeling suppressed by a spouse who is a big taker must practice self-care and self-love. "Join a club or activity with women from multiple generations, return to school, or join online chat rooms about women's issues," says Crawford. She also recommends therapy to focus on assertiveness training.

The bottom line? Some takers have been socialized to simply feel entitled. You may not be able to "enlighten" them to their ways, or influence how they impact you, but you can learn from every interaction, and practice creating boundaries that will protect your time, energy, and resources—and give you the wherewithal to focus on your own needs.