Why giving space to your partner might bring you even closer 

We all know that feeling, when we’re deeply, madly, completely in love and our lives start revolving around our partner. It’s natural to want to spend as much time as you can with your boo; you love them, after all. But as much as we as human beings crave affection and the company of others, we are also individuals, and sometimes we tend to forget this aspect of ourselves when dating.

Celebrated psychologist, Esther Perel wrote in her book on erotic intelligence that “our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness”, and that is why it’s healthy to have and give space in a relationship for it to truly sustain and grow.

Ahead, discover all the reasons that make a case for space in a relationship, tell-tale signs that indicate you and your partner might benefit from some breathing room, and how to go about it. 

Why should you have space in your relationship?

It helps you keep your identity and individuality intact

You know those couples who reach a point in their relationship where they become one person? Well, that’s what you don’t want. It’s important to not lose your individuality—what makes you truly you during your relationship. Usually, when we are dating, we tend to override our interests and social life in favour of spending time with our partner. While quality time makes for a strong foundation for any relationship, time apart is just as important. So, carve out time for yourself and your hobbies, spend some weekends away from each other, catch up with your friends and family, and make sure that you preserve your identity and guard your solitude even when dating. This way, you will be able to bring the best and truest version of yourself to the relationship. 

It makes you appreciate them (and the time spent together) even more

‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder’ is a cliché for a reason! Some amount of time spent apart from your loved one can make you appreciate them and realise that the time you do get to spend together is precious. If your relationship is losing its spark, you might just need to give each other a little space to rekindle it. 

It helps you recharge your social batteries

This holds true for most introverts (coming from an introvert herself)—after spending an extended period in someone else’s company, we crave some time to ourselves so we can recharge our batteries. It doesn’t mean we don’t love our partners, okay?

It takes off unnecessary pressure

When we let ourselves or our partner become everything to each other, and don’t give enough room to grow and be ourselves, it can inadvertently lead to bitterness, resentment, and unhealthy expectations. 

What are the signs that you or your partner should ask for space?

Becoming too co-dependent on each other

Are you relying on your partner, or they on you, for everything? Be it doing every activity together, not being able to take a decision without the other, agreeing with everything the other says or constantly feeling the need to connect when apart—all this could mean that you two are too dependent on each other and could benefit with a little space in your relationship.

Having a lot going on in personal life 

Maybe it’s a family issue, a mental health problem, or just extra workload—if you or your partner has something on your plate that is making either of you feel too stressed and overwhelmed, it is okay to ask for space. It’s hard to focus on a bigger problem and simultaneously devote the same amount of time and effort to your relationship, so it’s completely normal to take a temporary step back. What’s important is to convey that even though the other person needs space during this period, you’re still there for them when they need you and vice versa. 

Spending too much time together 

If your entire social calendar revolves around your partner and you spend all your free time with your boo, both of you need to take some space from each other for personal time. This is especially true for couples who live together and spend every waking hour when they’re not working with each other. Giving yourself  the much-needed ‘me time’ and maintaining your other friendships and relationships are the keys to unlocking a successful long-term relationship. 

How do you give space to your partner?

There’s no handbook for how to give space in a relationship since everyone is different and will have varied expectations. Start by defining what “space” means to you and your partner—is it about less texting during work hours, alone time after a long day or when on trips? Talk about the frequency of your conversations, as well as times when you’ll need extra support from them to feel more connected and loved.

Then, it will be ideal to set a few guidelines for each other. This could look like deciding specific offline time where both of you are not texting each other continuously, say when one of you is out with friends or when you’re at work for instance. 

The need for space in a long-distance relationship

You might think that living far apart from each other will mean that your relationship doesn’t need space, after all doesn’t it already have literal space between the two of you? Well, turns out long-distance or not, space is still one of the key factors to a successful relationship. In fact, unrealistic expectations and a lack of personal time could drive a wedge into your long-distance relationship. 

When we’re dating long-distance, we tend to overcompensate for all that time and distance apart by trying to be in constant communication through non-stop texting. This can become a distraction and even a burden when either of you are expected to stay in touch throughout the day. So, set clear expectations of what communication will look like and focus on quality over quantity—instead of countless chats, try a daily long video call where both of you can truly focus on each other.