Why do situationship breakups hurt the most?

A few years ago, I broke up with my college boyfriend. It was a five-year relationship that came to a screeching halt for reasons that are too traumatising to mention. It made me want to embrace singlehood and I did until my friends convinced me to join a dating app. Eventually, I was neck-deep in all the swiping and empty conversations. It was like scrolling through a catalogue of potential ‘Mr Right’ candidates, none of whom matched up to what I was looking for. I wasn’t disheartened though. I was just looking to have some fun, which led to my string of situationships. 

You don’t need me to tell you just how complicated modern dating is. Nothing is as it seems and there are more boobie traps and pitfalls than one can count. But I carried on and embraced all the red flags that came my way. However, after each one ended, I learned that situationship breakups are excruciatingly painful. Who would think, right? On paper, it seems like the perfect arrangement—all the fun without any of the commitment. But for most people, that is not how it works. By their very nature, situationships lack clarity and definition. They are a waste of emotions and energy. You get scraps of affection and if you’re lucky, you’ll see your partner put in some bare minimum effort. And so, when they end, despite all the fun you’ll had, you are left with this unfulfilled, hollow, and icky feeling. Especially if it ended abruptly like a lot of them do. 

If you’re at the ugly end of a situationship (or have ever been) and can’t figure out why you’re feeling the way you are, read on. We’ve listed a few points to illustrate why the end of a situationship stings harder than when you break up with a long-term partner. Just know that this gnawing feeling is as fleeting as the situationship was, give it some time. 

You are left in an emotional limbo    

The first few days (weeks, if you’re lucky) of a situationship are all flirting and games with a lot of physical attraction. However, the more time you spend with someone, the more you start to feel a connection. It’s human nature. But unlike a full-blown relationship, you don’t explore or indulge the connection. You might even spend all your time denying the connection.  

You can’t say you’re upset 

Don’t get us wrong, situationship breakups are still breakups. But because you never fully committed to this person, it’s tough to express your feelings once it’s over. You can never tell them how upset you are that they lost interest out of the blue or that you don’t want this to end. It’s disappointing and frustrating because you have to play it cool.

If you’re in this situation, the best thing to do is to be honest. Tell them everything you feel without holding back because you have to. Don’t act like it’s okay because suppressing your feelings isn't going to do you any favours. 

You believed there was potential   

You might not have entered a situationship thinking about what it could lead to. Maybe you were in it because it was fun and easy. But eventually, you see something in this person and you want more. You create scenarios in your head and hopelessly wish that they would go out of their way to put some effort into this measly relationship. But more often than not, situationships end abruptly and it’s not pretty. And when this happens, the potential you saw also dies a painful death. You are left with pesky ‘what if’ questions and the realisation that you fully romanticised the situationship. It’s not easy to let go of what could’ve been.  

When a full-blown committed relationship ends, there usually is a concrete reason. You can talk to your ex-partner about it and get all those nagging thoughts out of the way. However, situationship breakups might not always have a strong reason. It might come out of the blue or your almost partner might find someone else and move on without as much as a text. Anything is possible. The point is, that situationships are undefined and lack clarity. When they end, there is rarely any closure and that is what hurts the most. 

Feature image credits: Netflix  

Also read: How to build trust in a relationship after an affair 

Also read: 5 ways to cope with relationship anxiety in the early stages of dating