What does it mean to go boysober and should you consider it?

I had the mother of all break-ups in the 12th grade. Somebody snitched on us to my class teacher, who then—in true Indian aunty fashion—let me know she wouldn’t hesitate to set fire to my teenage romance by contacting my parents, both of whom disapproved of me dating till I cleared my board exams. I bawled in the school bathroom, then went home and sobbed in my own bathroom, and finally cried to my best friend on my Nokia phone (yes, it had buttons, sue me). It wasn’t long after that I ended up breaking up with my then-boyfriend. At the time, TBH, I wanted nothing more than to lie down and be one with the Earth. In fact, I remember crossing roads and ignoring the part where one looks both ways. By the time I had an episode where my eyes decided to override their owner and start tearing up at just another supermarket’s vegetable aisle, I’d had enough.

Later, in my clearer moments, I started contemplating how the absence of a man could influence my life so greatly. How is it that all the people I cherished so dearly, end up weathering my bad days and stormy moods when they did nothing to set it off in the first place? It seemed to me I had hit new levels of low, and realised my psyche needed major rehaul. Then I went ‘boysober’ for a year and a half. 

What’s the big deal? 

A few months ago, Hope Woodard, a 27-year-old comedian and content creator from New York, decided she’d had enough of the dating scene (and the mess accompanying it). She coined the term ‘boysober’—instead of reiterating to celibacy, which has been around for centuries in religious contexts—and eventually spearheaded a movement that advocates for a period of self-reflection and personal growth without the distraction of romantic relationships with men.

Woodard finds that ‘celibacy’ doesn’t retain a modern touch unlike ‘going boysober’. In fact, the former carries generations’ worth of shame with men at its epicentre—you’re ‘celibate’ till you find a man and often you’re not the one doing the ‘finding’. Boysober, on the other hand, takes men out of the equation completely. It is not about swearing off men forever but recognising the often subtle ways in which seeking male approval shapes our choices and self-perception.

You may think that to state I went boysober (that too back in 2021) would be a little delulu. Honestly, I think a part of it was involuntary... accompanied by the distress was an indescribable ick my brain administered into my veins on a daily basis.

Rukayya Zirapur, a relationship coach and emotional intelligence expert based in Indore, emphasises that people choose to go boysober for different reasons. “Some might feel burnt out from dating with no time to recuperate and want a break to focus on themselves. Others might want to rediscover who they are outside of relationships, build their confidence, or work on personal goals. Sometimes, it is just about wanting peace and less drama in their lives for a while.”

More than a fancy idea 

After I went boysober—or well, since the very term did not exist when I was shedding tears while at different nooks and crannies, let’s just say, I swore off boys for a while—miracles were afoot. Of course, the first few months went towards reviving myself from a singular loss. But later, I spent most of my time appreciating everything else. In fact, I just did not crave romantic attention regardless of gender. And, removing my psyche from the rat race (i.e. dating and male validation of any kind), or at least reducing its effect on me, did wonders for my growth as a person.

Honestly, the point of being boysober is not just to ditch the notion of pouring your all into people (who aren’t good partners). It is also about weeding out deep-rooted behaviours that keep us chained to miserable romantic experiences because your complacency in being treated like—you know—sh*t is their licence to treat you like one.

That apart, it is also about moving away from the narrative of littering your 20s with unfulfilling hook-ups, hyping yourself up for a text back that hijacks roughly eight or more hours of your day, and thinking about the nerve-wracking ‘what are we’ that potentially kills anything you had going in the first place. I mean, you know it...to be plagued by struggling men who find commitment a chore is to invite struggle upon yourself.

Prachi Saxena, a trauma-focused relationship therapist and mindful dating coach based in Lucknow, advises against trying this trend to ‘get back’ at men because “you’ll be stuck feeling rage and animosity, unable to utilise the boysober phase for levelling up. It has to be a conscious, mindful choice taken in a moment of wisdom and calmness.”

Let’s talk gains

Now that you have a rundown on it... how does one go about it you may ask. Zirapur suggests that to go boysober, you should “set some boundaries and goals. Decide how long you want to take a break from dating and what you hope to achieve during this time. Stay busy with hobbies, work, and activities that make you happy. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and let them know about your decision so they can support you.”

Saxena chimes in, adding that one should avoid engaging in too many activities at once to glaze over from a sense of emptiness. “One of the best lessons the boysober phase can offer is the ability to tolerate the discomfort of being alone,” she says, continuing, “This cannot happen if you’re continuously hopping from one activity to another.”

Both the therapists we spoke to for this story agree that going boysober can be an excellent idea for improving mental health and personal development. Saxena points out, “For a majority of us, our romantic relationships assume the focal point of our lives and don’t allow for a lot of diversification of psychological resources. If someone has an anxious attachment style or fear of abandonment, then their entire life revolves around their partner. Going boysober can allow just enough space for you to learn new skills to create better balance in life and healthier attachment patterns.” 

The catch, if any... 

Despite the shiny positives, the boysober trend also has several negative outcomes. The cult-like mentality thanks to social media has led to certain ‘rules’ laid down by Woodard being taken way too seriously when they should ideally be something of an outline for a better life.

Also, for a few women, dating again often becomes a huge challenge especially achieving deeper platonic connections during the boysober phase. In the race to be ‘totally’ boysober’, many forgo establishing friendly relationships and reject meaningful connections with men overall. This hyper-focus on avoiding all male interactions can lead to missed opportunities for genuine connections.

In an interview, Woodard shared experiencing what she calls a “boy lapse”, where she broke her boysober phase by sleeping with a man. This caused her to be extremely hard on herself, prompting a reevaluation of what it truly means to be boysober. She ultimately concluded that it is more about changing habits that hinder meaningful connections and living your best life than anything else.

The biggest challenge individuals might face when adopting a boysober lifestyle is feeling okay with being alone. Saxena notes: “Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely. This usually happens because we rarely have emotional regulation skills that let us sit in our discomfort and surf it until the emotions pass.”

Let’s just say that imbuing oneself with shame as a consequence of ‘breaking’ boysober would make it no different from celibacy. Also, one must not forget that boysober is just another trend; while it aims for a better way of living, it shouldn’t turn into another stick to beat women with.

Where do I start? 

If you’re thinking about going boysober but aren’t sure, start with a trial period—like a month—and see how you feel. Remember, it is not about shutting people out, Zirapur reminds, but about giving yourself space to grow and reflect. Most importantly, trust your instincts— if you feel like you need a break, it is okay to take one. Focus on what makes you happy and healthy.

Maintaining a positive social life while being boysober is also crucial. Saxena recommends spending time with friends and investing in other relationships. “Sign up for weekend workshops that are designed around your hobbies to meet more like-minded people.”

Boysober done as an exercise to improve yourself as opposed to doing it out of a sense of misguided retribution can be good for you.

So girls—boysober or not—find inner peace by finding your most authentic selves, one untouched by male approval and drama.

Remember, the only thing you need to chase is your dreams—not some guy who still thinks “pull my finger” is peak comedy.

To get the most out of this ‘trend’

Get to work: Focus on your professional aspirations and climb that career ladder girl!

Grow your circle: No better time to reconnect and nurture platonic connections. Let your friends know how special they are.

Better you: Make yourself a priority! Learn to appreciate your company and find new hobbies.

Draw the lines: Figure out what the non-negotiables, in a relationship, look like. Remember, boundaries = peace of mind.

Lead image credit: Getty Images 

This article first appeared in the print edition of Cosmopolitan India, August 2024

Also read: What is causing online dating fatigue and how to not let it ruin your experience?

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