A Psychologist Tells You How to Stop Being Jealous Of Other People's Success

In everyday life, individuals often use the words 'jealousy' and 'envy' interchangeably. However, when exploring the plethora of ways to deal with this common yet strong emotion, it is crucial to correctly distinguish between the two.

Most often, jealousy refers to an unpleasant suspicion, threat, or apprehension of rivalship. For instance, in the workplace, jealousy would emanate if you have been performing exceptionally well and find a colleague catching up with you, to whom you may lose your status or position. On the other hand, envy refers to a covetous feeling toward another person’s attributes, possessions, or stature in life. In simple terms, it is an emotion that we tend to experience when someone else possesses something that is desirable to us, and which we don't have.

While people from all walks of life encounter a combination of jealousy, envy, and resentment at some point or the other, a problem arises when they are unable to cope with the emotion. In fact, in the context of social media, researchers at the University of Missouri found that Facebook use can lead to symptoms of depression if it triggers feelings of envy among its users!

To help keep the feeling of envy in check with respect to other people's success, Urveez Kakalia—Founder of ImPerfect and a psychologist who consults on Practo—suggests a few effective strategies. 

 

Desire, Don't Demand

 

While the envy that arises as a result of our desire to attain something that we don't currently possess is a healthy one, it becomes problematic when we add a rigid requirement for the desire to be fulfilled. In the context of success, it involves the desire to be successful ("I want to be as successful as my colleague), followed by the rigid requirement (hence, I *must* be successful as well). Such a demanding attitude often gives way to unhealthy envy, rather than serving as a source of extrinsic motivation to perform better.

Hence, we no longer strive to achieve what it is that we actually want. Instead, we denigrate the desired object to try and console ourselves and make it seem less important. One may do this by saying, "Oh it's not even that important to me" or "He/she probably cheated his way to get there". In such a scenario, one also hopes that the other person loses what they have since they don’t themselves possess it. While experiencing the emotion may be inevitable, one can avoid attaching the rigid requirements.

 

Make a Realistic Evaluation

 

One often tends to consider the position that they currently are in to be worse than it actually is—as if things may never get better. In such a case, it is important to acknowledge that things could've been worse, and it may not be all that bad after all. Realistically, the situation is possible to recover from and we don't have any evidence that suggests that matters won't get better.

 

Rate Your Behaviour, Not Your Identity

 

You may find yourself drawing a comparison with another person saying, "He/she has achieved so much in life, I'm such a failure". Such a statement is a direct attack on one's self-worth. Alternatively, one must view a failure as a result of their behaviour or lack of action, rather than establishing an association with the self and rating one's entire being as a 'failure'. The distinction that we need to make here is that our identity is independent of our behaviour, action, and achievements, at a given point in time. At the end of the day, we are fallible human beings that are allowed to make mistakes. And acknowledging this fact will help you work towards your goals with greater conviction.

 

Allow Yourself to Deal With the Discomfort

 

We often say, "It is unbearable for me not to have ______ " (in comparison to another person). Using the term 'unbearable' or 'intolerable' is not only untrue—since we can tolerate it, albeit with difficulty—but it actually makes it more difficult to deal with the current circumstance. Plus, it is not going to push us to continue scaling the mountain we wish to conquer. Rather, acknowledge the difficulty of the task at hand as well as the discomfort of not possessing something that you desire. Deal with it and continue working towards achieving your goal.

 

Hold Onto Your Desires 

 

Strongly sticking to your needs and wants will drive you to work towards them. While deeply holding onto your goals will serve as a source of motivation, bear in mind that you need to be realistic about the fact that it doesn't *have* to be that way (minus the rigidity). Instead, look at it from the perspective that since we desire success, we're going to continue working towards attaining it.