The power of silence after a break-up

Silence, they say, is golden. And it is especially true in relationships if they have gone sour or ended before the ‘together forever’ even began. During a break-up, most often, both partners are emotionally vulnerable—they feel agitated, sad, confused, and may even be low on confidence and self-esteem. And in the process of breaking up, a lot of things are said and unsaid, and it’s sometimes best and absolutely not unusual to see either one partner, or both, opting to say nothing at all. After all, no message, sometimes, in some situations, is as good as a message, maybe a stronger message. 

So, to understand what power silence brings to the table, how it helps to heal, and why people do it, read on.

Choosing silence over drama

Sometimes, people choose to be silent because they realise giving their ex closure may be difficult as they may not be able ṭo handle it well. Their partner may have difficulty accepting the situation and may seek another chance. Any amount of convincing or compassionate conversations might not help them handle rejection. Additionally, an individual, who may themselves be dealing with the emotional upheaval, might not have the mental headspace to deal with their ex’s emotional outburst. Staying silent may be the best way out to be able to compose oneself and deal with the situation better.

Healing is all about taking time out to understand and manage your emotions and being surrounded by good vibes. However, an encounter with an aggressive ex, which might lead to emotional or physical abuse, gaslighting, or manipulation, may only delay the healing. Thus, it is best to stay silent. 

What silence also means

Some people may not be equipped with an emotional vocabulary to communicate their feelings and emotions. They may not have the right words to say to make the situation better. Sometimes, this can be attributed to the fact that they were at the receiving end of silent treatment in their formative years. 

Sometimes, the need for silence may be an indication of the need for some downtime. They might shut down to process their feelings and will speak when they feel okay. So it is best to give them the time and wait for them to come back to you than constantly prodding them to talk. 

The silence after a break-up is an indicative act of maintaining a period of little or no contact—refraining from texting, meeting or calling. 

Silence done right

You cannot look at the bigger picture when you’re in the picture. When you take a step back after the break-up, you are able to sieve your thoughts and feelings and reflecting on what happened and where you went wrong. Instead of talking to the ex—something that’s bound to cause heartache—you’re giving yourself time to clear head. You gain an insight into your own needs, desires and patterns. And if you decide to reopen the communication down the line, you will be in a much better position.

What to do when you’re silent

The first step after a break-up should be deleting the ex’s number and blocking them from all social media. Knowing their whereabouts and what they are up to only aggravates the heartache. Secondly, journal your thoughts when you have an overpowering urge to text them and express your feelings. This will save you from any regret you may feel after sending an emotionally-charged message. The only way to completely cut off from them is to also break ties with their friends. 

There are exceptions here, however 

While keeping quiet is helpful, one needs to consider individual circumstances. There are cases where maintaining no contact isn’t feasible, practical, or appropriate—for instance if you are married, have shared responsibilities or are co-parenting. So weigh the situation and then take a step. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai