Just went through a messy break-up? Here’s what not to do

Breakups are possibly one of the most painful experiences in anyone’s life. Most of us have gone through it, and regardless of whether you've had one experience or a dozen, breakups hurt just as bad each time. And because of our innate need for a connection, we tend to take steps that often worsen an already delicate situation, making the healing process harder and longer than it needs to be.

Now there are no set rules to dealing with breakups as they’re different for everyone, but avoiding these mistakes can help ease the process and allow your heart to heal.

Don’t expect to get over them quickly

It’s completely natural for this to be our first reaction after a loss. Most of us don’t want to dwell on the ugly and uncomfortable feelings involved in a breakup and expect to move on almost instantly. Know that it’s not just a breakup with a loved one, but other changes as well like having a different social group, moving places or even going through an identity crisis (re: the dramatic haircuts and revenge bodies). So, don’t be hard on yourself; allow yourself as much time as you need to feel better.

Don’t seek out the other person immediately

When we’re in a relationship, we get used to relying on our ex for a lot of things, so much so that our lives seem almost impossible without them. When you break up, there’s going to be a sudden chasm in your life and you’ll find it hard to cope with this insurmountable loss. In such situations, you might be tempted to initiate contact with them just because it’s familiar and comfortable. You might want to start texting them or even meet them in person. After all, you know them so well, and knowing that both of you are going through a difficult time might give you a false sense of connection. But know that you broke up for a reason, and if either of you has no intention of getting back together again, this closeness will only harm both of you in the long run and make it tough to properly move on. Keeping a distance and being silent is your best bet. 

Don’t ignore the grief

We know that a breakup can cause feelings that are so intense it feels almost impossible to confront them, and so, we resort to avoiding them—burying them and forgetting about them like that pair of dumbbells you bought during your clean girl era. But it’s important to remember that distracting yourself won’t help because you need to feel in order to heal. And if you don’t allow yourself to truly grieve and sit with your uncomfortable feelings, you won't really be able to move on. 

Don’t immediately enter a new relationship

Rebounds exist for a reason—when we’re fresh out of a relationship and feeling lonely, we want to start dating someone else as soon as possible. It can be for various reasons. Maybe you’re craving that same love and connection, maybe you want to show your ex you’re already in a happy relationship again or you might simply want to make your ex jealous. Doing any of these can make you ignore the red flags of your new partner as well as your own needs and standards. And let’s be honest, neither you nor the other person involved deserve this.

Don’t compare your experience to others

If someone in your friend group or family has gone through a breakup too, don’t compare your experience with theirs. Your relationship was unique and different from others, so your breakup and your experience will also be different. If you feel like it’s taking you longer than others to move on, or you’ve had to set some boundaries with your ex that others you know didn’t, don’t beat yourself up over it!

Don’t switch to friendship instantly

Yes, in some cases exes can be friends. But forcing that dynamic when the wounds of your romantic relationship have not yet healed might not be the best idea. In fact, it could lead to blurred boundaries, confusion, and misinterpreted intentions making the whole situation emotionally messy. Yikes! So, it’s best to give your relationship time and space to change naturally.

 

Not gone through a breakup but planning to call it quits with your partner? Here are all the things you should keep in mind.