Is hyper-independence harming your relationships?

I like being self-reliant. As a 20-something woman navigating the challenges of corporate life and modern existence, being independent comes naturally to me. But I’ve come to realise that I might have taken it a stretch too far. Being an independent woman in today’s day and age is a necessity—as I’ve learnt over the years—but what happens when you become so independent, you feel and act like you don’t need anyone to help you, even if it is common courtesy? 

A few months ago, I went out to dinner with a friend. A well-raised chivalrous guy, he rushed ahead to open the car door for me. No, it wasn’t a date, and no we weren’t romantically involved. But he still did. Now many people would debate that it was benevolent sexism (it's really hard to tell the difference) but I believe his intentions were in the right place. On our way out after dinner, I rushed ahead—subconsciously—to open my own door, to which he smiled and remarked, “You should let people open the door for you,” leaving me both surprised and amused. I’ve always preferred to open my own doors and pull my own chairs; I didn’t do it to dismiss the chivalry, but somewhere deep down, it was a way of reminding myself that I could do it on my own and that I didn’t need anyone to do it for me. And this, I’ve come to realise, is where self-reliance becomes hyper-independence. And as it turns out, it isn’t the best trait to have when navigating romantic relationships. 

According to psychologist and psychotherapist, Sophia Peermohideen, hyper-independent individuals often find it difficult to open up in relationships. Of course, you aren’t expected to share all of your life’s secrets with someone as soon as you start dating, but your hyper-independence makes it difficult for you to trust them with even the littlest of details. Sure you might have a lot to talk about—current events, your favourite shows, and maybe even your views about something. But you still cannot get into the deeper layers, like your fears, dreams, and why you are the way you are, you get the gist. I always dread going on dates, not because I’m afraid of what could happen (FYI, I love true crime, so you know what I’m thinking), but also because of what we could talk about. After you finish delving into what you do, your passions, your favourite movie genre etc, you’re either met with complete awkwardness or feel forced to spill details about your personal life. Remember how Noah from Nobody Wants This wanted to get to know Joanne and asked her about her deepest fear and she replied with “a bad face-lift”? I guess letting someone know what my biggest fear is, is my biggest fear, and I know I'm not the only one. 

But when you're trying to date, not being open and vulnerable can make you come off as aloof, which makes it tricky for potential dates to connect or vibe with the real you. Suppose you do somehow manage to get into a relationship. In that case, your lack of vulnerability will leave your partner feeling ignored or frustrated over time because they don’t know how to truly connect with you. Communication also gets tricky, because you avoid asking for help or sharing your needs, thinking you’ve got to do it all solo. Sometimes, this is fuelled by a fear of losing your independence, making it tough to fully commit and let the relationship grow or allow your dating stage to move forward in any way.

I'm sure there are many others for whom being hyper-independent is like wearing a suit of armour. It keeps them from feeling vulnerable and keeps them from getting hurt again. If they grew up in an environment where emotional support was missing, they might have had to learn to rely only on themselves, bringing that “I’ve got this, I don’t need anyone” attitude into adulthood. 

“Trauma can also instil a fear of vulnerability, where accepting help or trusting others feels dangerous, potentially leading to disappointment or betrayal,” says Dordi. “In such cases, hyper-independence becomes deeply tied to one’s identity, offering a false sense of control and security.” She recommends therapy as a resolute, which can help people understand this response and find a healthier balance between independence and connection with others. Peermohideen further adds, “By recognising these patterns and actively working to create healthier dynamics, people can cultivate deeper, more fulfilling connections. Finding a balance between independence and being open to vulnerability can lead to more satisfying and supportive relationships.”

Lead image: Netflix 

Also read: Here's how you can use your post-sex time to deepen intimacy

Also read: We love Noah from ‘Nobody Wants This’ for his wholesome apologies minus the gaslighting BS