How to tell your partner that they’re bad in bed

We all want the best for ourselves. And when it comes to the things we enjoy (and want), sex usually tops that list, doesn’t it? But life is far from a bed of roses that you can simply get down and dirty on. In fact, there may even be a scenario where you’re with a partner who is bed in bad. It’s a touchy topic, we know, because they tend to think they’re the best you’ve ever had and breaking the news to them will surely hurt their ego. 

So how does one go about it? What do you say to make things better? How does bad become brilliant? We have answers! 

Don’t delay the conversation 

At the end of the day, everyone in a relationship wants to please their partner. And partner who understands you and wants to make things better will be relieved when they get some guidance and feedback. Remember, that being bad in bed is not equal to them being a bad partner. The problem arises only when there is zero sexual intimacy between you two. Only you can decide what’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for you. And what fits your definition of good (or bad) might not be the same for your partner. But if you want things to change, it’s you who will have to bring it up. Tell them what you want when it comes to sex and do it in a kind and loving way.

Change the tone of the question

Instead of not telling them at all and keeping things to yourself, raise the issue by talking about it differently. Remember that your partner’s confidence in bed is fragile. Approach the subject with care and empathy. Do not resort to sarcasm or mocking them and maintain a tone of respect. What we’re trying to say here is that instead of hurting their feelings, ask yourself how you can help your partner learn about your body and satisfy you better. It’s important to make them understand that what’s arousing to one person will not be the same for the other. It’s really important to let our partners know what we like and listen to what their preferences are. It is way more effective to be good in bed with each other rather than just being good in bed. And communicating this way is a great place to begin. 

Don’t point fingers

While they may be bad in bed, remember that you’re in this together. So be mindful of the fact that the conversation should be about the two of you and not be one where you’re criticising everything that make them terrible in between the sheets. For all you know, the chat could lead to a heavy argument with them coming up with a list of things they hate about you in bed. And please do not compare them to your past sexual encounters (worst idea ever). Focus on your present and the current relationship you’re in. Add to that don’t give them an ultimatum that could lead to them resenting you and instead discuss how important this is for the two of you to have a happy relationship. As we mentioned earlier, introduce them to what makes you feel good. It’s as easy as saying, “This is what I like,” and “This is what I don’t.”

Do not fake an orgasm

If you don’t climax and get that toe-curling O, tell them instead of faking it. Lying to them is only going to make it worse as your partner will think that they’re doing a fabulous job and continue to do what they’ve always been doing, which is not giving you an orgasm. What’s more important is to realise that it’s alright to not have an orgasm when you have sex. Taking away the focus from it, makes the experience much better. It’s about the journey (how you and your partner make it better) and not the destination.

Don’t just criticise, complement them too

Your partner could be bad in bed (according to your definition of bad), but it could be that they’re genuinely trying to make things better without really knowing what turns you on. Failing to recognise their efforts and providing only negative feedback is going to bum the mood. Instead of that, focus on the positives and praise them. Talk about the things that they do well. Start sentences with “I love it when you....”. Let them know how much you desire them to motivate them further.

Lead image: Netflix

Also read: Can being hyperfocused on orgasming actually delay it?

Also read: How to increase sexual intimacy in your relationship

Also read: Ways to make sex with your partner less predictable, according to an intimacy coach