Is ‘fexting’ or fighting over text harmful for your relationship?

We’ve all been there: we’re texting with our partner, one of us says something that ticks the other off, and before you know it, the conversation has entered into heated territory, with a rapid exchange of angry, emotionally-charged texts, or worse, we are ghosting each other or giving the cold treatment. 

Turns out, there is a term for that; coined by US first lady Jill Biden. Last year, in an interview with Harper’s Bazaar US, Biden admitted to arguing with her husband on text—so the Secret Service is not privy to their conversation—and called it ‘fexting’.

 Below, discover what all entails as fexting, its pros and cons, and how to argue over text in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse. 

What is fexting?

Fexting is the combination of fighting and texting (much like sexting), and it can mean any argument or fight you have with your partner, friends, or family over text, even though it’s usually mentioned in a romantic context. Fighting over text doesn’t always mean hurtful messages—lack of communication like leaving each other on read or stonewalling with short, clipped responses also counts as fexting. 

Here’s how fexting could hurt your relationship

When you’re approaching a conflict in real life, there are plenty of non-verbal cues like body language, tone, and each other’s energy that are in play. Without these, there’s a higher chance of miscommunication and the intent can get lost in between the texts. 

Also, when you’re typing into a screen, you tend to remove yourself from reality, forgetting that the person you’re fighting with is someone you truly love and care about. We end up saying things we don’t mean, and it can have a lasting impact. Even the smallest delay in responding or using certain punctuation can make you over think and interpret the message in the wrong way. 

Even though those who like to avoid conflict might not like fighting in person, confronting and communicating in real life helps you and your relationship to mature and grow. When we are face-to-face with the person we love, the weight of our words and actions is more evident, and we are likely to be more mindful of each other and try to settle the conflict in a healthy manner.

Are there any pros of fighting over text?

While it may look like fexting has no benefits, it is important to know that it can be a favourable way to communicate for people who are not good at articulating themselves in the moment or for those who might need to sit and process their feelings before coming up with an appropriate response. Those who get overwhelmed by heated conversations or have sensory overloads also prefer taking the fight online, where they can converse at their own pace without feeling uncomfortable. 

When the pressure to respond right away is off the table, we have more time to think through our answer and respond more carefully keeping both our and the other person’s feelings in mind.  

And since fexting leaves a trail that cannot be erased (unless both of you decide to delete the chats), it also keeps us more accountable and makes us approach an argument with more care. After all, there’s no denying what we’ve said (or not) when the evidence is there for both of you to see. You can also go over the texts later with your partner to understand your argument styles and to learn how to better handle such discussions in the future. 

How can you fext in a productive manner?

Whether you like it or not, fexting can be inevitable in certain circumstances—like when you’re in a long-distance relationship or when you have different work hours or social life. For situations like these, it’s better to know how to fext in a way that doesn’t hurt both of you or sabotage your relationship. 

First, avoid using accusatory or blaming language—don’t use all-caps or exclamation marks, and steer away from writing long paragraphs that can be overwhelming for the receiver. Also, if you feel the need, take breaks during the conversation, but inform your partner first. This will help you come up with a more thoughtful and level-headed response. 

Finally, remember, while fexting is okay once in a while, don’t make it a habit. Fights around emotionally-charged matters are best resolved in person. If not meeting in person, try picking up the phone and talking it out over fighting over text.