Everything I Learned After I Quit Drinking For a Year

It was a small piece of glass wedged into my shoulder that did it. Where did it come from? I could not remember. I’d spent the night downing shots and requesting to play Sophie Ellis-Bextor in a South London gay bar...but so much of it was still hazy. There were gaping holes in my memory that my hungover brain began to fill with a host of worst-case scenarios, a rush of anxiety that was starting to become all-too familiar.

Total recall went something like this: hit the booze hard and then wake up hating myself (to the extent I’d physically pick at my skin), terrified of what I might have said or done the night before. I’d text my friends and most of the time the answer was, “Nothing! You are paranoid!”. But, as I sat shivering in the shower that one particularly bleak morning, picking the glass out (apparently I’d fallen out of a taxi), I made a vow to stop drinking. I decided on three months off the booze (one didn’t seem enough) and ended up embarking on a journey that changed my relationship with alcohol forever. 

At 27, after a solid 13 years of drinking pretty much every week without fail (such is the culture we are born into in Britain—my teenage friends and I would regularly sneak alcohol from our parents to drink in fields), I was definitely a problematic binge drinker. Bizarrely, my university friends labelled me as ‘the one who always kept it together on a night-out’, but the older I got, the less accurate that title felt. Or maybe I’d always been a hot mess but never realised the extent of it. Over the past decade I have lost phones, thrown up in plant pots, and slept with people I shouldn’t have (and let’s not even discuss the drunk texts)—all things that became a lot less funny the older I got and that I would never do sober.

At first, I was unsure I could make 90 days, but the actual experience was life-changing. It very quickly became addictively easy and enjoyable to maintain my teetotal state. I ended up completely abstaining from alcohol for 15 months (a large chunk of which was during a series of national lockdowns, when many ramped up their alcohol intake instead).

When I did start drinking again, it came with little fanfare: I was eating a delicious dinner with my boyfriend and fancied a glass of red to finish. I relished it—just the one—getting a small buzz, but for once knowing I could leave it at that. 

It has been more than six months since I started drinking again, but it feels completely different—because my attitude towards alcohol is completely different. I drink less. I drink better and I am happier. These are the lessons I learned while becoming a mindful drinker (sidenote: abstaining for good might be the right—and necessary—choice for some people; this is just what I have found works best for me at the moment).

YOU NEED A STRONG AND SUPPORTIVE STRUCTURE

When I first went cold turkey, I knew I would need some kind of structure in place, and after a quick Google search, I found a UK-based community known as Club Soda. It offers a supportive Facebook group to discuss abstaining from booze, as well as a 30-day ‘How to Stop Drinking’ online course. I wanted my break to be reflective and transformative, so undergoing the course, complete with daily e-mails, expert talks, and prompter questions for journalling, forced me to put why, what, and who I drink with under a microscope. I also had a brilliant therapist, who I was seeing for a bereavement but who helped me stay on track with sobriety, too. She made me dig deep into some of the reasons why my mental health has been shakier than a Power Plate since my teenage years. I also started following UK-based Sober Girl Society (SGS), an organisation set up by Millie Gooch, whose story is similar to my own. Motivational content from SGS showed me I was not alone in my quest to ditch alcohol, while encouraging me to carve out time to look at my habits and examine what ought to change.

DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE WITHOUT ALCOHOL

It is about learning what works for you in different situations. At networking events you can strike up a chat without the crutch of a drink—just ask for apple juice in a wine glass or an alcohol-free beer if you are worried about looking out of place. You’ll be so proud of yourself afterwards. In social situations, I find it all depends on the company you keep. Yes, it can be quite fun watching people get drunk for a while, but it can also get boring (some drunk folk love having the same conversation over and over). Last summer, I went out and talked, laughed, and danced until 6am, and discovered that sometimes I actually prefer partying sober. Previously, I would have drunk so much that I’d be asleep by 2am. Going sober meant I was better company and lasted longer than ever.

DON’T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT

During my 15 months off, I was constantly asked if I was pregnant and was expected to explain my choice to stop drinking in the middle of a bar to people I barely knew. If you are not up for those conversations, it is totally fine to not mention you’re alcohol-free. Order a lime and soda and say it has got vodka in it if you like. It is your night out so play it your way. You don’t owe anyone anything.

CHANGE HOW YOU DRINK

I’ll now make sure that I spend the first hour of any night out (at least) alcohol-free. Half of the time I realise that I am having just as much fun without a hard drink in my hand and I’ll keep it up for the rest of the event or party. Other times, I will have one or two alcoholic drinks, but only towards the end of the night to perk myself up a bit if I feel like I am starting to lack energy. Knowing that I am in control of myself really helps to lessen my anxiety. 

GET EXCITED ABOUT OTHER THINGS

For example, all of the great non-alcoholic drink options out there. Before my alcohol break, I never drank beer. I also now relish not having a hangover (or only having one that’s half as bad as my friends’, given I only drank half as much) and love to make wholesome Sunday plans that I can look forward to. There is also the satisfaction of sleeping better, not eating total junk on the car ride home (leaving me uncomfortable and bloated the next day), and not spending the whole day crying with self-loathing.

DON’T DRINK JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT

I am astounded it took me so long to arrive at this revelation: if you are not having a good time, you can always just...leave. Have you ever been on an awkward date, or stuck in an uncomfortable social situation, and said, ‘I am going to have to drink through this one’? Same here. But why not think of the gloriously happy mood you will be in the next day if you forgo the booze and head home instead? It is always good to put your mental health first, just saying.

CHANGE WHAT YOU DRINK

I can now say with absolute certainty that white wine turns me into a gossipy, passing-out-in-the-bathroom mess. It left me sobbing with anxiety and regret, and I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Now I only have a drink if I really want one and know I will enjoy it. Instead of drinking cheap wine to get drunk, I’ll have a nice cocktail on a night-out (between non-alcoholic beers or water). And because I drink less, the bill is about the same anyway.

 

Photographs: APICHART CHAICHULLA