How to Start a Conversation on Tinder That Actually Feels Meaningful

Dating apps can be intimidating, full stop. Figuring out how to start a conversation on Tinder, especially with someone you find super attractive, is no easy feat—whether you’re worried about feeling rejected or saying the wrong thing. But rest assured, if you’re stuck on what to say, you’re not alone. That’s why I reached out to two expert dating coaches about the most effective ways to start conversations that’ll get you from your phone to an IRL date ASAP. (YW!)

A top-tier first message strategy? Asking intentional questions that are more likely to get you a text back, compared to just sending a “hey” or “what’s up?”

“Intentional effort leads to intentional results,” says Lily Womble, founder and CEO of Date Brazen. “A question that I really recommend for an opener is: ‘Hey, what’s bringing you joy this week?’” Womble calls these “qualifying disqualifying questions” as they’re more likely to weed out people who aren’t willing to make an effort to get to know you or have a thoughtful conversation.

“Why we see so much bad behavior, overwhelm and dissatisfaction on dating apps is because people are engaging without intention, so their brains are literally going into cognitive overload with all of the options at their fingertips,” she adds. If you want to strike up a meaningful connection and avoid burnout, asking these “qualifying disqualifying questions” is the way to go.

Queer dating coach Ariella Surur recommends a similar technique. “In general, we want to start conversations in a way that has the best chance of survival. That usually means asking open-ended questions that allow the other person to expand on a thing.” Asking someone about something specific on their profile is a great place to start, whether it’s a photo of them on vacation, or answering a prompt question with an engaging answer.

Remember: The goal of a first message is to make your profile stand out and get the other person excited to talk to you. It doesn’t need to feel like an all-or-nothing, make-or-break situation. So, without further ado, here are some expert-approved icebreakers that are sure to lead to some meaningful convos.

1. “Hey, what’s bringing you joy this week?”
2. “What are you learning about lately that you could talk about for hours?”
3. “What’s something that made you laugh really hard recently?”
4. “It’s giving [insert cheeky compliment about their profile here].”
5. “Have you read anything interesting recently?”
6. “Tell me about a book or movie that changed your life.”
7. “What’s been the most exciting moment of your week so far?”
8. “If money wasn’t an issue, what would you do with your life?”
9. “What does your dream life look like?”
10. “If you could pick your dream music festival lineup, who would be a part of it?”
11. “You’re stranded on a deserted island. What are the three essentials you’ve taken with you?”
12. “What would you wear if you were a student at Euphoria High.”
13. “Aw, what a cute [pet/baby]!”
14. “What’s an item you’d love to have a lifetime supply of?”
15. “What’s your favorite cereal?”
16. “Sweet or savory?”
17. “Who would be your dream dinner guest and why?”
18. “What actor would play you in the movie of your life?”
19. “What’s a pop culture era you wish you could travel back in time to?”
20. “What’s your go-to karaoke song?”
21. “Tell me about your most interesting special talent.”
22. “What’s the most random fact you know off the top of your head?”