Why do we hold on to the messages, photos and gifts from our exes?

Amongst the many things that we loved about the 2007 Imtiaz Ali film Jab We Met, was the scene where Geet (Kareena Kapoor) advises Aditya (Shahid Kapoor) that he’d be able to get over his ex by burning a photo of her and flushing it down the commode. While it surely made him feel good and brought a smile to his face, doing this—deleting photos, burning them, discarding things that had our ex involved—is a task easier said than done. So much so, that people—single or in a new relationship—still keep them.

What are the reasons for doing so? Like two sides to every coin, is this good or bad? 

We asked two therapists to help us out with the answers. 

We keep those things because they’re useful 

Relationships are not just matters of the heart, but of the head too. And time and our experiences have thought us to think more rationally and practically as well. According to Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, one keeps them because of their utility. “It’s practical to keep those things if they’re habituated to it—in this case, a gift.” Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai, too, thinks the same. “People choose to keep things that their ex gave them if they have a utility value, even if there is no emotional attachment to it. You may have so many things from the past, but do you give a second thought—absolutely not. Keeping these things doesn’t mean that I am stuck or hung up on my partner.” 

Then comes the sentimental value

One gets attached to what was given to them because they were once attached to the person who it came from. “The second reason why people do not discard those things is because of their sentimental value. They’ve not completely cut the cord and like to be reminded of the relationship because they haven’t really moved on.” Dordi too, comes from the same school of thought. 

“They (those things) represent a connection that they once shared with a person. It can bring back a range of emotions such as joy, nostalgia, sadness, and even regret. Add to that, people might also have a sense of fear of losing themselves should they do away with what was given to them or delete those photos and messages. Furthermore, they could also be worried about getting rid of those items as it would mean that they’re closing the door on the relationship forever. For some people, holding on to these items is comforting and a way of preserving memories. In such cases, getting rid of those things might seem like an even bigger loss.” 

It could make them feel good about themself

One has different ways of looking at things. Choosing to see the good amidst all the bad is another reason why one keeps stuff from their past relationship says Dordi. “Some people might find it cathartic to keep these photos, messages, mementoes, and clothes from their past relationships as it allows them to reflect on the positive memories, and make them appreciate how far they’ve come in life and see the lessons they’ve learnt. Even though the relationship might not be there, they don’t want to negate it out of their life completely.”

Does discarding and deleting mean that you’ve moved on?

If you’re moving forward, you need to do away with everything that makes you look back, says Aftab. “You need to do away with those things to move on. How else do you get closure? How would one start with a clean slate otherwise? When you hit the reset button, how is anything changing if you latch on to the things that belong to the past? You’re never going to forget, and if you don’t forget you just don’t begin. Once you’ve healed the person and what they gave you doesn’t matter anymore. Yes, you’re not going to forget about it, but at least you won’t be hurt about it now. You have to let it go and for that, things have to be wiped out.” 

Dordi, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. “Ultimately, the decision is a personal one and there is no one size fits all approach here. If those things are occupying a lot of space in my room, I would want to chuck them out and make new space. Is it necessary for a reset depending on the individual and the situation? Is it a necessary step, absolutely not.”