When it comes to matters of the heart, there exist a certain few who have always been in love, right from the time they had their first affair back in school to their current long-lasting relationship. They’ve never had the time to be single, as love, for them, was just around the corner or a right swipe away. But sadly, their good run has come to an end, for they find themselves single for a while now. Instead of taking the time out for yourself, the lack of constant companionship and craving their attention, or vice versa, can see you make some extremely silly and stupid mistakes. When a person has been in one relationship after another, they feel the void a lot more when they no longer have a partner. They just don’t know what to do.
The two ends: When people find themselves single, they can go to two ends of the spectrum. The first is when they’re actively looking to fill the gap. The other is where they isolate themselves completely from the outside world because of the fear of having their heart broken another time and having to be vulnerable to a stranger all over again. They are done with love and want to have nothing to do with it. Either way is unhealthy.
The mistakes one makes when they look to fill the void
Rush and romance
There is a pressing need to replace the person you dated with someone new. This sees you dive head-on and see potential in a partner in every second person you’re speaking to. This individual could also enter a rebound relationship to avoid dealing with emotional pain. Often lacking a solid foundation, this short-term gain proves detrimental in the long run, leading to additional heartbreak. This takes place because the person hasn’t behaved like themselves. The idea is to show your true self and then attract the right person. Here, neither happens because the person doesn’t want to feel alone. They overextend, put your boundaries down, forgive easily, end up doing things that they’ve never done before, and become more accepting of things that don’t sit right with them. Such behaviour is unhealthy, abnormal, and doesn’t last for long. The lies catch up with them over time as their partner, on getting closer, ends up seeing them for who they really are and realises why things aren’t working.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms
Those not in an urgent hurry to move on and have a new flame in their flame spend that time engaging in risky behaviour. Feeling sorry for being alone sees them resort to escape mechanisms—drinking, partying, consumption of drugs, watching too much porn, getting into flings, and rebounds. This is what happens when you forget your boundaries and overcompensate just because you don’t want to feel alone. This doesn’t come from a healthy space and is very problematic.
Another mistake that people who find themselves single after a very long time commit is that they suffer burnout at the workplace by making work their passion and a means of distraction. Doing so isn’t unhealthy, but it can delay the healing process. The person doesn’t get the time to understand what went wrong and where they can improve. Suppressing emotions: Not knowing how to deal with these emotions could also lead to this person suppressing their emotions. It’s unrealistic for them to feel sad after ending a relationship. They end up putting a brave front where they show that all is well. At the end of the day, it’s superficial, as they are denying how they actually feel.
The other extreme: Going into a shell
Some people withdraw from their social circle and end up being lonely and depressed. Along with a lot of negative self-talk and self-blame, they also start idealising the relationship they once had and start to imagine that their partner was perfect. This time spent alone also sees them stalk their ex on social media and keep tabs on them.
Inputs by Sherene Aftab, Psychologist and founder at Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy and Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir HN Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai
Lead image credit: Netflix
Also read: Steps to heal and move on from your breakup
Also read: How to give yourself closure and heal after a breakup
