Should you continue to be friends with your ex’s inner circle?

Breakups can stir up a whirlwind of emotions—loss, confusion, and a sense of disconnection. It’s not just about ending a romantic relationship; it’s losing your safe space, your comfort zone, and the life you once knew. You’re not just grieving the person but also the memories, experiences, and friendships that came with the relationship. That’s exactly how I felt after my breakup earlier this year. It wasn’t just closing a chapter—it felt like my entire world had unravelled, and I had to start all over again.

But here’s the twist: despite the heartbreak, I found surprising support from two of my ex’s best friends. Yes, you read that correctly. It may sound odd, and I know it raises some questions (especially for my current boyfriend), but let me tell you why this is not such a bad idea. 

Read on to navigate this tricky experience and whether staying friends with your ex’s circle is wise after the breakup dust settles.

My relationship was long-distance—I was in Mumbai, and he was in Delhi. It’s the same time zone, but the distance was still quite significant. I spent about seven months out of our 11-month-long relationship abroad in the UK and returned to India during the summer and winter breaks only. Long-distance was tough, but our frequent visits helped us stay connected.

When we broke up, the distance felt crushing at first. However, with time, I realised it was a blessing in disguise. Being away from him and everything tied to our relationship made moving on easier. I was afraid his friends, who were a part of my life too, would also fade away, but to my surprise, they stuck around. 

His two best friends didn’t disappear after the breakup—they were there for me in ways I didn’t expect. One of them even flew to Mumbai to comfort me right after. It felt unusual, and yes, people had their opinions about it. But here’s the thing: they were mature enough to maintain a friendship with both me and my ex, and the distance helped us to navigate this tricky dynamic. While they spent most of their time with him, we kept in touch through video calls, occasional visits, and casual updates. It felt like a new kind of friendship, free from pressure or complications.

But does this mean it's a good idea for you to stay connected with your ex's friends? Here are a few things to consider. 

Be clear about your intentions

Before diving into a friendship with your ex’s circle, take a moment to think about your intentions. If you’re using these friends as a way to keep tabs on your ex, stay invited to events where they might be, or rekindle the relationship, it’s best to rethink your decision. It might feel comforting in the short term, but it can only lead to more heartache and tension. Remember, going through heartache doesn’t justify using others for emotional leverage.

Avoid romantic entanglements

This goes without saying: don’t pursue romantic interests with your ex’s friends. If you sense any sparks, take a step back and spend some time away. There are plenty of other people out there, and the drama of hooking up with an ex’s friend is hardly worth it. 

Respect their choices

While your ex doesn’t have control over who their friends stay in touch with, the friends themselves do. If they decide it’s best to step back because of their loyalty to your ex, respect that boundary. Forcing a friendship in these cases only creates unnecessary tension. The people who are meant to stay in your life will do so naturally.

Set boundaries for yourself

After a breakup, it’s normal to want to vent, but shared friends are not the right audience. It puts them in an awkward position and likely won’t provide you with the support you need. Set clear boundaries about what you discuss with these mutual friends, especially regarding the breakup. Instead, lean on close personal friends, family, or even a therapist to work through your feelings.

Give yourself time to heal

Even with the best intentions, staying close to mutual friends can serve as a constant reminder of your past relationship. Hearing about shared memories or revisiting familiar places can be triggering if you’re still healing. Give yourself time and space, and focus on creating new, positive experiences with these friends that aren’t linked to your ex.

Focus on your own growth

I’ve been fortunate that most of my exes handled me staying friends with their social circle pretty well—or at least they managed to hide their discomfort. Regardless, the most important takeaway is that breakups are an opportunity to focus on your own growth. Depending on others for happiness, whether in romantic or platonic relationships, can be risky. Investing time in yourself is never wasted, and you’ll come out stronger in the end.

Navigating friendships with your ex’s inner circle isn’t easy, and it’s not for everyone. It takes maturity, respect, and clear intentions from everyone involved. But if you can make it work, these friendships can become a valuable part of your support system. In my case, these guys are now my friends independently of my ex—we’ve built a connection that doesn’t revolve around him. Apart from a few light-hearted jokes here and there, he’s rarely even a topic of conversation anymore. Just remember to always put your healing and well-being first. A breakup is a chance to rediscover who you are and what you need, so take that time for yourself—you deserve it.

Lead image credit: Netflix

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