Is Monogamy a Myth? A Relationship Expert Weighs In

The concept of co-existing with multiple sexual partners—a practice termed polygyny and polygamy—isn't new to humanity. For instance, traditional Sunni and Shia Islamic marital jurisprudence allow Muslim men to be married to multiple women (up to four at any point in time). Apart from this, Ancient Greeks also enjoyed notoriously glorious sex lives and "had a desire for anyone and anything."

But before diving right into it, let's get the meaning of the word 'monogamy' out of the way: Monogamy is a relationship with only one partner at a time, rather than multiple partners. And while a monogamous relationship can be sexual or emotional, it's usually both. There are many forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), ranging from "don’t ask, don’t tell" sexually open relationships to polyamory, in which people date and mate with multiple partners. 

But, is it ethical? Is it synonymous with infidelity? Is it culturally appropriate? Shahzeen Shivdasani, Author of Love, Lust and Lemons, elucidates the monogamy paradox. 

While they say that human beings aren’t meant to be tied down sexually, we continue to believe in the constitution of marriage and spend most of our lives looking for 'the one'. But what about the "let’s face it, everyone ends up cheating" perspective? According to Kit Opie, an evolutionary anthropologist from University College London, "The modern monogamous culture has been around for just 1,000 years. As time evolved, primates began to live in groups and mate, but humans took the concept of monogamy forward. Yet, many believe that monogamy is a social construct and cannot be followed in practice." 

Perhaps the real query is: Why do some people choose to be monogamous, while others consider it an outdated concept?

Shivdasani presents the two viewpoints with the help of hypothetical teams—Team A, the serial monogamist and Team B, the monogamy realist. 

Team A - Why does the serial monogamist believe in committing to one person? Some lessons can be learnt from this concept, which shapes you as an individual. A deep understanding of what it takes to be fiercely loyal, a trait that is admired and valued. It teaches you how to build a life with one human being and how to handle shared responsibilities. Most importantly, how to truly love and grow with 'your person'.

Team B - People in this club hope for monogamy but also believe that if the loyalty is broken, it's not a deal-breaker. They accept that individuals are inherently flawed and may stumble once in a while, as long as they repent their mistakes and do not commit the same mistake again. They encourage forgiveness since monogamy, in their opinion, is a social construct propagated by man.

"When picking which team you want to be on concerning monogamy, it boils down to the importance you attach to it. If it is extremely important to you in a relationship, you will not belong to team B. And if you belong to team B, you might consider the people in team A as those who view the world with rose-tinted glasses, keeping a 'hope for the best and expect the worst' kind of outlook," explains Shivdasani.

In the end, it's a personal choice.