Is the idea of marriage on its way to being aged out?

Watch the postscript of any great 2000s romcom, you’ll find only one flavour of ‘Happily Ever After’—right after the airport chase, the boombox moment, or the big Hollywood kiss, there is always that one little flash into the future spliced into the rolling credits; the wedding. Sometimes, it cuts even further ahead—the hospital bed scene with the birth of the cine couple’s first child. But the ending essentially slants toward the same idea of peak relationship...marriage.

With romcoms today, endings vary—and so do the protagonists. Couples in pop culture are no longer heteronormative and white; they are diverse. The idea of the ‘perfect partnership’ has changed. There is no longer a one-size-fits-all dream when it comes to that big, sexy, game-changing love; and the fact that people are trying new structures, exploring their sexuality, and choosing to tailor their relationships for themselves versus society, proves that. Or does it?

A study by dating website Happn states that 82 per cent of Indian Gen-Z women and 76 per cent of men still like the idea of getting married...but haven’t yet. The YouGov-Mint-CPR Millennial Survey found that a whopping 81 per cent of millennial women said they feel more at ease being unmarried and living alone, and that 23 per cent of Gen-Z isn’t interested in either marriage or having children at all. Look at studies from a decade ago, and the difference is wild—the India Human Development Survey (2011- 12, National Council of Applied Economic Research) and others found that not only did a majority of young people think marriage was essential, they also preferred the arranged marriage setup.

What’s crazy is that, despite the insane amount of wedding invites you’ve gotten for this winter, significantly less people seem to actually want a marriage anymore. For every married friend I have, I have four single ones. And yet, there is the unwavering fight for queer marriage, the booming bridal wear rental industry, and shaadi.com is flourishing—worth ₹2,500 crore, last I checked. So...does marriage still matter, or not?

It does to fashion creator Tarini Manchanda; even though she didn’t think it would. “I used to think it was ‘just a piece of paper’. But my relationship with my husband has evolved since we got married, albeit not overnight. It’s been emotionally binding in a way I didn’t imagine. I can’t say for certain that wouldn’t be the case if we hadn’t, but there has been an accelerated growth to our relationship post marriage.”

Model and co-founder of Off Days (hair-care brand), Merrylin Boro has been with her partner Rod Anker for several years, and sees no commitment they haven’t already made to one another. “For me, a relationship is about honesty, transparency, respect, and boundaries. Commitment is meaningful to me, I don’t think a piece of paper holds any significance if both parties are not on the same page. It is about two people holding respect, love, and honesty for each other.

Gen-Z content creator Rupali Hasija stands on the precipice of her wedding and vouches for her faith in the institution. In fact, she can’t deny it was steeped into her upbringing. “Growing up in a middle-class Indian family, I constantly heard that the ultimate goal of my life was to get married—that a woman’s true identity is defined by her relationship with her husband. Even though my family gave me the freedom to go after my passions, marriage was still at the top of their checklist.” Her views were once different from her family’s, but have evolved since. “Five years ago, I was completely against it, because it felt like I would have to uproot my life for someone else. But now, I’d say it is all about the person you’re with. Marriage brings change, both good and challenging, but effort and the right partner can make it worth it.

Model Toshada Uma grew up with that same narrative; but also as a queer kid still figuring life out. “If you grow up in Indian families, it is very rare to not have marriage be stated as a necessity. There was no deadline, but it was always assumed I would start a family one day. What works for me, though, is an egalitarian, cohabiting structure where my partner and I share equal responsibilities and have a deep emotional connection. I do see myself marrying at some point, if and when my partner and I feel like we’ve met our criteria for marriage fully. I am in no rush though, and I’m okay with it never happening; the emphasis will always be on settling with (not for) the right partner.

Uma can’t quite articulate why she wants marriage: “Is it because I want to profess my love in front of people I love? Is it for the systemic socio-economic perks that Indian women may not have access to otherwise? Is it for the safety of a relationship or to please the conditioning I grew up with? One can never be too sure.

Acceptance is part of the appeal for Manchanda too. “If I’m being honest, in India marriage gives relationships a more ‘official’ status. Once a relationship is recognised by law, there are practical elements—like getting a place together—which are far easier. Though for a couple who doesn’t care about societal acceptance, I am not sure it matters.” It doesn’t for Boro, who is surrounded by people who also hold similar POVs. “My parents have always given me the space to make my own decisions. The people around me are all of the world view that people are different, and so should their constructs be.”

I suppose the question ‘does marriage still matter’ can only be answered by answering what makes a relationship real to you. For the traditionalist, love can run as deep as the Pacific, but it won’t be cemented without the Big Fat Desi Wedding. For those straddling social mores and practicality in the reality of India, the legality might help navigate tricky situations that an ‘unofficial’ partnership might face. And, for a growing number, marriage might just be a relic; as cute and nostalgic as a typewriter or a rotary phone. The answer seems simply to be that marriage does still matter—if you want it to.

Image credits: Getty Images 

This article first appeared in Cosmopolitan India, September-October 2024, print edition.

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