How you can introduce BDSM in the bedroom

BDSM is the perpetually misunderstood backbencher in a classroom full of sexual practices. It gets unfairly accused of being physically and mentally harmful. When people think of BDSM they picture chains, whips, pet collars and a leather-clad woman stepping on a submissive man with her 8-inch heels. These images that are conjured up usually instil feelings of humiliation, pain or shame. But as I said earlier, the entire concept is entirely misjudged. Most uninitiated people base their perception on (drum roll please!) 50 shades of gray. No one is saying you can’t have a ‘red room’. If that’s what you want, go right ahead. But before doing that, know that not all forms of BDSM are that intense.

BDSM is an umbrella term that more or less stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and sadomasochism. Each of these might sound daunting in their own right but they all rely on consent, effective communication and trust which makes BDSM one of the safest kinds of sex you can have. So, if you’re having fantasies about tying your partner up or getting blindfolding don’t hesitate to talk to them about it. Will it be an uncomfortable conversation? Yes. We aren’t going to sugarcoat it. But to help you navigate, we’ve listed down a few tips to make the process less awkward and more painful in all the right ways *wink wink*

Do your homework

BDSM is not an impulsive act. Especially if it’s something you and your partner haven’t attempted or even talked about before. But before broaching the subject with them, you need to do some quality research of your own. We aren’t saying you need to become Christian Grey overnight in order to bring some kink into your bedroom but when your partner asks you ‘what is it about BDSM that fascinates you’ or ‘what is it that you desire’ you need to have a concrete answer for them.

You could expose yourself to some BDSM erotica (again, anything but 50 shades of gray), tune into a few podcasts that talk about the subject in detail (Tina Horn’s Why Are People Into That is a good option) or watch a documentary. Whatever method you choose, the point is to educate yourself on the principles, lingo and acts before introducing your partner to the idea. 

Start simple then work your way up

You can’t just throw your partner on the bed, tie their hands to the bed and pop in a ball gag in your first or second attempt at BDSM. Even if that sounds extremely hot to you, you’ll need to start small to avoid mental and physical injuries. You could start with light spanking, sub/top role play, some (pre-decided) aggressive dirty talk or some sensation play. These are some great entry-level BSDM techniques that will ease you into the world of kinks. Once you’ll are comfortable, take things up a notch by building on these techniques to see what works best for you’ll.

Be open to discussing your desires in a considerate manner

When you first tell your partner you want to try some kind of kink or bondage plays, do it in a way that is focused on both of you’ll. Explain to them that you want to try spanking or using handcuffs or whatever else you’re interested in and gauge their reaction. If they are excited and onboard great but if they seem iffy talk to them in an empathetic manner. They might be scared or nervous about the idea. They might be picturing a ‘red room’ scenario. Tell them that bondage is not about physically or emotionally hurting each other but about stepping out of your comfort zone and pushing sexual boundaries in a loving, consensual way. However, if they still aren’t keen, don’t force it. Drop the idea. 

Set boundaries and pick a safe word

Bondage, like all forms of physical intimacy, is purely based on trust and consent. In order for everyone involved to have a good time, you’ll need to discuss how far you’ll are willing to go and what form of bondage you’ll want to try. It’s crucial to set clear roles. For instance, if you’ll want to try handcuffing, who is going to be handcuffed and do you’ll want to use a blindfold as well? These aren’t things you can decide at the moment. You need to set clear boundaries and understand that BDSM isn’t about doing whatever the dom wants to do to the sub. It’s about both partners getting exactly what they want out of the experience. Don’t be afraid to negotiate terms with your partner. For instance, if they want to tie you up and you don’t want that draw your boundary.

Finally, pick a safe word. This word can’t be something like ‘no’ or ‘stop’ since those are used in various forms of BDSM and could get confusing. It has to be something that isn’t usually used while you’ll are getting raunchy in the sheets. Something like ‘milkshake’ or elephant or even a made-up word like ‘flugelboard’. In the bedroom, if either one says the safe word it means cease all operations immediately. BDSM is only hot if everyone involved is being pleasured. So, if it’s clear things have gone too far stop everything you’re doing. Hug your partner and make sure they’re okay. Another thing to remember is that you can’t shy away from using your safe word. If you don’t like something don’t go along with it because your partner is enjoying it. Feel free to use it whenever you need to.