How to deal with the anxiety of seeing your parents age

Like the seasons, our roles in life change. As we support ageing parents, it's important to embrace the journey and show love and gratitude. But this is a task easier said than done. We often develop anxiety watching our parents age and have thoughts about the inevitable moment of their death. Sometimes you alter the course of your life—for instance, choose not to work in another city or country—and make most of the choices taking them into account.

It may seem daunting, but remember, it's normal. It may seem daunting but with patience, love, and support, you can navigate this phase of life together.

Three therapists tell you how to deal with these emotions better. 

Concern, and not anxiety, in a healthy relationship

Most often, parents have been there for their kids. In cases where parents have been extremely involved, overtly loving and extra caring, the children cannot imagine a life without them and work things around them. They see their parents as their mentors and guide, and are the first ones to reach out to them for advice as the parents provide a perspective that no one else can. This especially causes anxiety and a sense of worry in the adults as they fear losing this close-knit bond. If the parent-child relationship is healthy, children will leave everything to be there for their parents, no matter what, without any guilt. 

Strategies to help deal with this form of anxiety better 

Acknowledge and validate your own emotions: It’s essential to acknowledge that feeling anxious about your parents is normal and natural. You may even feel guilty that you can’t stop them from getting old. There is a sadness that’s felt due to a potential loss that you may face. Allowing those emotions to be there allows you to approach the situation with greater empathy, both for the parents and for yourself. 

Have an open communication channel: The child needs to learn to communicate in a manner that the parents understand, simply because the latter won’t change their ways. So, learn to talk to them by having an honest conversation about their needs, desires, and concerns. This creates a safe space where they can express themselves and help you understand their perspective. Remember, that you’re always in a much better position to help someone when you know how they’re feeling. 

Understand and educate yourself about ageing: Read up on the topics, health issues, available support systems, and if your parents need any additional care. Knowing and understanding what the situation is and what to do empowers one to make informed decisions and approach the challenge with a proactive mindset.

Foster independence with the parent: Allow them to maintain their independence, yet offer support at the same time. It’s not your job to ‘fix’ them or stop the inevitable, but to maintain their autonomy and self-worth where you’re the supporting character. Build a support network for yourself and your parents where you and your siblings (should you have them) can take turns. This is important because the chances of burnout are very high if one person is doing everything. Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is important as you do not want the anxiety to become overwhelming to the point where it impacts you and your daily lifestyle.

If the anxiety becomes overwhelming, seek professional help from therapists or counsellors who specialise in elder care and family dynamics. 

Inputs by Sherene Aftab, founder of Serene Hour Counselling & Career Advice Consultancy, Mehezabin Dordi, clinical psychologist, Sir H N Reliance Foundation Hospital, Mumbai and Hitesh Chakraworty, Spiritual Healer, Relationship Expert and Founder of ISSAR