Here’s how to not confuse healthy boundaries with ultimatums in a relationship

If you spend a considerable time online, there’s a chance you might have come across therapy terms like boundaries, self-care, and projecting being mentioned frequently. With increasing number of psychologists and therapists sharing their knowledge and tips online, we all are exposed to a new language to justify and advocate for our needs and feelings. But it also has its downsides. 

Earlier this year, actor Jonah Hill was called out for breaking up with his girlfriend on grounds that she was not respectful of his boundaries, which were actually unrealistic demands and threats (He threatened to break up with her for posting surfing pictures of herself on social media when she’s an amateur surfer). This sparked a debate on the Internet about how in an era where therapy lingo is so accessible and widespread, it can lead to misuse of professional terms like boundaries, boundary-setting, and more. 

Though these terms can undoubtedly be helpful to a healthy relationship, they are often not used correctly, and are not defined properly. So, to make things easier for all of us, we set out to find the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum.

Boundaries v/s ultimatums 

One of the most important factors that differentiate a boundary from an ultimatum is your intention behind the conversation. When you’re setting a healthy boundary with someone, you are asserting and communicating your limits. For instance, “you raising your voice during an argument makes me uncomfortable. I’ll only have a conversation with you when you are not shouting”. By conveying this, you’ve relayed your limit and are setting a boundary to create a safe space for yourself. 

Ultimatums, however, are usually harsher and we may or may not actually follow through with them. An ultimatum might sound like: “if you don’t do this, I’ll break up with you and never talk to you again”. Here, the end result is quite harsh and instead of communicating how the situation makes us feel, we are emotionally trying to control them (by threatening to break up and severe communication). Plus, it is likely we actually don’t mean to follow through with our ultimatum. So, ultimatums are statements through which we’re trying to control other’s emotions or actions, and are less about protecting ourselves. If you’re confused whether you or your partner is giving an ultimatum in the garb of a boundary, this is a good way to figure out the difference between the two.

Wondering how to set a boundary? Try to think of them as guidelines or limits that you set so you can let others know of things that you’re okay and not okay with. But to communicate that, you first need to sit and understand the things that make you feel unsafe and uncomfortable, and are your deal breakers. 

The tone matters 

The way you convey your need can also make a difference. Your wording, tone, and context all impact whether what you say is interpreted as an ultimatum or a boundary by your partner. 

Are ultimatums ever okay?

While ultimatums are usually mentioned in a negative context, and should not be used carelessly, there are situations where ultimatums can be necessary. When you’ve repeatedly expressed your boundaries with your partner that aren’t being respected or acknowledged, you should consider giving them an ultimatum. Or, if you have non-negotiable need from your partner that must be met in your relationship (like clear communication), then it is wise to stand your ground.