Here’s exactly how to give a good blow job, according to experts

“Fellatio.” “Slobbin’ on the knob.” “Head.” “Sloppy toppy.” Blow jobs go by many a name. But whatever you call it, the most important thing to know about sucking dick is that it is a goddamn artform—a creative endeavor, a finely crafted skill. In the immortal words of our lord and savior Samantha Jones: “They don’t call it a job for nothin’.” And while this definitely doesn’t mean that BJs are all work and no play, it does mean that learning how to give a blow job takes time, practice, and some knowledge of what the hell you should even be doing down there.

Hence why we’ve graciously compiled this expert list of blow job tips, tricks, and must-know info for anyone who is looking to hone their BJ craft, whether you’re getting ready to take your very first trip to D-town or have been knob-slobbing for years (because yes, there’s always more to learn). Hello and welcome to Blow Jobs 101.

But before we get into all the details, let’s make sure we’re all clear on the basics. For the uninitiated, a blow job refers to “the act of oral sexual stimulation of the penis,” says sex therapist Danielle Simpson-Baker, MA, MFTI, a member of The Pulse, a panel of experts for The Honey Pot Company. “To give a blow job, you basically place the head or tip of your partner’s penis in your mouth and start moving your head up and down the shaft.” says Simpson-Baker.

Intimacy educator Taylor Sparks, founder of OrganicLoven.com, adds that a blow job “can include licking of the entire shaft and/or sucking on the penis while also stroking it with your hands.”

As for why people love blow jobs, board-certified sex educator Linnea Marie says that, for the receiver, the pleasure is twofold. “They are feeling the stimulation in a highly pleasurable erogenous zone due to the abundance of nerve endings in the penis,” she says. “Visually, the pleasure also comes from watching the person perform.”

And while the act of giving a blow job may not be as physically stimulating as receiving one, there is still plenty of pleasure to be had for the BJ-giver. “Many enjoy the feeling of power and control associated with pleasuring their partner,” Marie says. Just because it’s a job doesn’t mean you can’t absolutely love going to work.

Speaking of which: Yes, blow jobs SHOULD BE FUN—and not just for the receiver! The number one, most important blow job tip we can offer anyone is that enthusiasm is key. The more fun you’re having, the more fun your partner will have.

“The key to giving enjoyable head is to enjoy giving head,” says sex educator Lucy Rowett. “Focus on what you like about giving your partner pleasure—pay attention to what feels good to you.”

Most importantly, if you don’t feel like giving a blow job, then don’t! Again, sexual pleasure (of all varieties) should be a two-way street. If you’re not into it, don’t do it. Simple as that.

Now, allow us to present your complete guide to giving a blow job, featuring 42 expert tips, tricks, and things to know about performing the fine art of the BJ. Buckle up and prepare to blow some minds (and, you know, some penises) with your expert-level oral sex skills.

 Set the mood.

Don't worry, you don’t have to bust out some heels and mood lighting every time you give a blow job. But if you feel confident and sexy going into the experience, the overall vibe will just be hotter. To heighten your own enthusiasm, sexologist Goody Howard suggests playing a little background music. “You want to pick a song that makes you feel powerful, beautiful, and desirable,” she says. “And then you want to perform oral sex to the rhythm of the song. You can even hum some of the lyrics into the penis. It also helps you keep a rhythm for your breathing, which helps support gag reflex control.”

 Don’t be afraid to make eye contact.

“There is a misconception that you have to close your eyes to show you’re ‘into it’ when giving a blowjob,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, host of the Luvbites With Dr. Tara podcast. “I think that making eye contact during a BJ is way more impactful and sexier than closing your eyes the whole time.”

To be fair, there’s a lot going on during a BJ, so don’t feel obligated to incorporate eye contact into the mix if you’re not feeling it. But if you’re into it, glancing up at your partner and holding that gaze can definitely add an extra layer of intimacy, connection, and/or eroticism.

Don’t do it if you don’t want to.

For our friends in the back, allow us to make this very loud and very clear: You do not owe anyone a blow job. "Blow jobs should be given enthusiastically—and it'll show if you're just not into it. Skip it if it's not your thing,” says Simpson-Baker.

You do not even owe it to yourself to give someone a blow job for the sake of trying it out if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go down on someone (or perform literally any sexual act, for that matter), don’t do it. Full stop. End of story.

Moan!

“When you're sucking, if you're enjoying it, moan with pleasure,” says Rowett. “The vibrations from your moan will add to the pleasure that your mouth and tongue is giving.”

Again, we know there’s a lot going on, so if moaning is just not in the cards, we hear ya. That said, if you have the capacity, some well-placed (and genuinely felt) moaning can definitely enhance the experience for everyone involved.

You don’t have to deep-throat if you don’t want to.

Okay, so deep-throating can absolutely be enjoyable for both the giver and receiver. That said, it is definitely *not* required when it comes to giving head. Honestly, you might as well consider deep-throating and blow jobs to be two different sex acts entirely.

“Don't feel obligated to deep-throat. You will be temporarily cutting off your airway, so if this isn't something you want to do, don't feel like you have to,” say Simpson-Baker. “Some partners don't even enjoy it because it can be too intense or even painful, so ask if they're into it first.”

Ask what they like.

Everyone's different when it comes to sexual preferences, so if you're unsure what to do, Velvet Co. sexpert Julieta Chiara suggests simply asking.

"What works for one person will not for the other, so getting down to the core is key," she says. You can ask in a sexy way so that it feels like part of the whole event, instead of just asking for directions. Try something like, "I want to suck your dick. How do you want me to do it?" Watch their eyes light up and their penis jump to attention as they give you a play-by-play of exactly what they like.

That being said, if you’re not vibing with their suggestions or if whatever they’re asking for makes you uncomfy, you can always say no. Stewart says you have to be able to express your needs just as well as you can internalize theirs. And TBH, you never have to give anyone a blow job if it’s not your style. Just be straightforward with your partner about your boundaries.

Take some of the pressure out of it.

Deciding to give someone a blow job is a certified Big Deal. But that doesn't mean you have to take all the fun out of it. Instead of worrying about giving the perfect blow job, just be in the moment. Laugh if something silly happens. Take breaks for sips of water. Make jokes. Relax. Remember, this is about connecting and enjoying—not about putting on a porn-worthy performance.

Be all kinds of vocal.

Moan, groan, ooh, and ahh. Hell, even throw in a gurgling sound if the mood strikes you. The point is, don't be afraid to make noises or slurpy sounds—it's not only hot, but the vibrations from your mouth will do wondrous things to their peen.

“Channel your inner porn star,” Howard suggests. “Exaggerated moaning and sucking and slurping gives an amazing sensation to the penis, and the vibration from slurping adds layers to the pleasure for the receiving partner.”

Also, dirty talk is a great way to not only turn up the heat on the situation but give your jaw a rest, explains sex expert Kenneth Play. Stare into your partner's eyes and say something along the lines of, "you taste so good," "you feel so good in my mouth," "can I suck it harder?" Whether or not you actually do suck it harder doesn't matter, because they'll instantly be closer to coming.

 Pillows are your friend.

Your comfort is key! “Don't be afraid to take breaks,” Stewart says. Do you need a neck pillow? Do you need a different position that's going to help you do the job better? “Don't be afraid to say what your needs are in this situation.” Whether you buy a pillow specifically for sex (yes, sex pillows are a thing) or you grab one off of the bed, pillows are one of the most underrated additions to oral. Not only can you put them under your knees if you're giving a kneeling blow job, but you can use them to prop up your partner's hips, which takes some of the neck strain off of you and provides new sensations for them and new positions for you to try.

There is no wrong way to give a blow job.

You should just get that out of your head now because, hi, everyone has different tastes, preferences, likes, and wants, which means it’s going to vary for every person you’re with.

“Different people prefer different techniques, and there’s no way to know about their favorite unless you ask or listen to their reaction,” says clinical sexologist Rachel Sommer, PhD, co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide.

Take the assist!

“Feel free to use toys to save your mouth some work. A mini wand, bullet vibrator and/or a fleshlight could be a great addition to a BJ,” says Simpson-Baker.

And, oh hi, what’s this? A literal sex toy specifically designed to make blow jobs easier for the giver and better for the recipient? Yep, it’s the oral stroker from Cake, which, per co-founder and CMO Mitch Orkis, essentially “extends your hand and wrist so you don’t need to go all the way to the base as the giver. Plus, it still creates the suction feeling so the receiver feels good.”

It’s okay to be intimidated.

If you haven’t logged much face-to-penis time, the thought of shoving one in your mouth might be a touch overwhelming. That’s totally normal. But if you want to experiment with blow jobs and just don’t quite know how to begin, Stewart and Howard both recommend getting in some dress rehearsals before hitting the main stage.

“Take a class or three, get familiar,” Stewart says. Howard runs an oral sex workshop called “LICK!” in Dallas, Texas, which she says is her “fantastic fellatio workshop that teaches how to add toys to performance and even reach orgasm while giving head.” Not in Dallas? Sex educators in most major cities run similar workshops. Give it a Google.

If a workshop isn’t your style, Stewart suggests buying a dildo. “The more you're familiar with the type of anatomy—even though it might just be a toy as opposed to a penis—it's important just to have the practice and to be familiar so that you're not going in there totally clueless.”

And of course (~shameless plug~), you can also check out Cosmo's very own 4-Week Oral Sex Challenge, where we unpack the do's and don'ts of giving and getting oral sex down to the nitty gritty. You'll be a pro by the end, trust.

Don’t just stroke your partner's penis, stroke their ego.

Trust, the mental and emotional build-up to an orgasm is almost as hot as the actual thing. This means that, yes, if you are looking at this blow job as if it’s a chore, your partner will know you’re not into it. "Use this time to focus on catering to your partner,” says clinical sexologist Valon Alford, owner of Vitality Wellness Solutions. “Your endgame is for your partner to feel like their pleasure is the most important thing in the world.”

Similarly, Stewart says oral sex can be a way to communicate admiration between partners. And if it’s something that you really love to do, it’ll show—and it’ll be so appreciated. “It’s important that you're savoring the moment and not rushing,” she adds.

Appeal to all of their senses.

Alford confirms: “Appealing to the five senses (touch, sight, sound, smell, and taste) is a great way to turn on your partner and set the mood.” She suggests something as little as burning a nice aromatherapy candle or wearing that perfume your partner loves. Rub their back or squirt some whipped cream in their mouth while you're going at it. Get creative to put their senses in overdrive.

A blow job is “not only about the experience itself, but also about the visual aspects, that's sexy for the receiver,” Stewart says. What kinds of sounds are you making? Add some mmm’s to show how much you’re enjoying the experience. Throw in some dirty talk, or just some dialog and feedback. Check in with other parts of your body—can you rub up against your lover's body as you're giving head? “I think all of those things are important as well,” she says.

Don’t limit the blow job to the penis only.

There are tonnnns of pleasure spots on the body you can stimulate. One I highly, highly recommend you get familiar with is the perineum—the area between your partner’s scrotum and anus. “It is highly sensitive because it is home to a lot of nerve endings. Giving this area a little attention can intensify pleasure,” says Alford. She recommends using your tongue or index and middle fingers to apply pressure there.

Your mouth might get dry.

Whether you have dry mouth from nerves, allergy or prescription meds, or even just drinking alcohol prior (which can dehydrate you), dry mouth is supes common and you can find a way to deal with it! A little prep never hurt anyone—keep some chewing gum or sour candies by your bedside to help nudge your salivary glands into production, as ob-gyn Wendy Askew, MD, previously told Cosmopolitan.

You can also prep, like, way beforehand too. If you love giving head but your dry mouth is cramping your style, invest in some Xylitol-based mouthwashes specifically designed for dry mouth, like Biotene or Smart Mouth Mouthwash. Xylitol mouthwashes (remember, stay away from alcohol-based as it can cause dryness) actually helps stimulate saliva production and retain better moisture in the mouth, according to Dr. Askew.

You don’t have to gag just to make spit.

Some people choose to make themselves gag to produce more spit. But if gagging freaks you out, that makes actual physiological sense. According to Jarrett Manning, DDS, an Atlanta-based dentist, “The body’s response to deep-throating is similar to that of gagging, which is a defense mechanism preventing swallowing or choking.”

Basically, “when these areas in the back of your throat get triggered in such a way, the stimulation goes from your nerves to your brain’s medulla oblongata, which happens to be located near the other areas of the brain that cause you to get teary eyes and produce excess saliva.” AKA, there’s kind of a medical reason it might work, but you’re legit like, hitting the “PANIC” button in your brain to get there. So you can weigh the pros and cons.

Not everyone can orgasm from a blow job.

Stewart emphasizes that not everyone will orgasm from a blow job, and that’s totally fine. While movies, books and TV shows might make it seem like blow jobs are the holy grail and The Ultimate Thing that all penis-owners want 24/7, some people aren’t crazy about them, and others like them (or even love them) but they just don’t lead to orgasms.

If you’re going at it for ages and nothing’s happening, and your partner's like, “Yeah, I might not finish from this since I rarely can,” do not take it personally. Trust that they know their body better than you can and try to just enjoy the moment without being so goal-oriented, Stewart recommends.

You don’t have to kneel if you don’t want to.

There’s a time and place for kneeling blow jobs and there’s also a time and place to be like, “Fuck it, I want to be comfortable and keep movement from where I am right now to a minimum.” If you try changing up your position so you sit next to them, not in front of them, you can change the sensation for your partner, show off your ass, and you might find that it just makes things comfier for you on the whole.

Go ahead and make it about you too!

Bringing a vibrating toy into things can make giving head even hotter. You can use one hand to hold it while you’re kneeling and sort of sit on it for maximum control.

To cum while you’re going to town on your partner, San Francisco–based sex expert, therapist, and co-founder of the Somatica Method of sex Celeste Hirschman, MA, suggests lying on your back with your partner on their knees. Turn to the right to give them a blowjob while they finger you. For extra pleasure, use a vibrating toy on yourself. Watching one another experience the shared pleasure can be a massive turn-on for both you and your partner.

Just because they’re quiet doesn’t mean they don‘t love it.

This is a problem among people with penises, many of whom seem to have been told, at some point, to literally never exude enthusiasm in sex. If your partner’s silence is weirding you out, tell them so! Positive feedback is helpful for BJ novices and experts alike.

Yes, you can give a blow job in the shower.

Most shower sex is difficult to impossible—the literal black diamond of sex locations. But oral sex is both doable and enjoyable in the shower. Have your partner stand out of the jet stream (so you can be in it) and go to town after you’ve watched them wash their bod.

Play with the balls.

But don’t do it without first asking if your partner is into that. And then follow that question up with, “And how do you like your balls played with?” Because what people who don’t have them don’t know is that apparently, they’re very sensitive! So don’t go yanking away without warning.

Hirschman’s tip for playing with balls: “Kneel between [your partner’s] legs and use one hand on the shaft and the other to gently pull and caress the balls.”

Incorporate some butt play.

Once again: Ask your partner if they like butt play before you venture into unknown territory. And then if they give you the all-clear, ask again what kind of play they like. If they don’t know, check out some of these beginner anal play tips and work from there. This also tends to speed up blow jobs, which, you know, might be a good thing.

You can get STIs from blow jobs.

Which is why wearing condoms during oral is a good idea, especially for new, non-monogamous partners. There are plenty of flavored varieties if the taste of latex isn’t really your thing.

Get creative and be playful.

Bring some toys (vibrators feel good on penises, too!) into the mix, or try some flavored lubes. Take a play from Samantha Jones’s book and have them stand in front of a mirror. It can be super hot to watch yourself get it on (why do you think sex tapes are a thing??). Use that over-the-door mirror you’ve had since freshman year of college for dirty purposes and position yourselves in front of it while you go down on your partner.

Hungry? Howard suggests adding some fruit roll ups (yes, you read that right) into your sexy repertoire. Instead of using the whole thing all at once, which could take a while to work your way through, cut that fruity goodness into three sections and wrap one of them around the middle of the shaft. “This will give you an incentive to get more penis in your mouth and you won't be sucking dick for like, a whole week,” she says.

Don’t skip foreplay.

For some people, blow jobs are foreplay that leads up to other stuff. For others, they’re the main event. Whatever the case may be, you can blow their freakin’ mind and detract minutes from the amount of time their D is in your M by teasing your partner pre–blow job. Get them all worked up by kissing their hips and thighs, then their shaft. Breathe on the tip of their dick, lick it lightly. Flirt with it! Not only does it feel great for them, but it’s fun for you and it can cut down on the amount of time you’re actually sucking and straining your jaw.

Don’t worry about what you look like.

Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It’s not a dainty sight! And that’s okay. When you’re giving a blow job, you’re not supposed to look super composed and photo-ready. Your mouth is on your lover’s genitals. They’re gonna think you look hot no matter what.

It doesn’t have to be all about them.

Ever heard of something called sensate focus? It’s a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you, and you can totally use it to ease blow job anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically, instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to do to make them feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun and exciting to you. Oral sex doesn’t have to be as one-sided as its reputation would imply.

Strategize to get it really wet.

I mean, there’s pre-ejaculate, but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. Don't be afraid to literally spit on their penis if things get dry. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably), and trust me, they'll think it's hot.

You can do it lying down, too.

In movies and TV shows, the only BJ position ever depicted is someone on their knees, bobbing their head back and forth while their partner stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s comfier!

Swallow if you want (or don’t!).

No shade to the folks who like the taste and feel of cum in their mouth, but for some people, the sensation is icky. That doesn’t mean your partner’s not a total babe and you aren’t mega attracted to them—it just means the two of you should figure out an alternative cum route. Maybe they orgasm on your chest? How about into a tissue or towel? Chat about it with your lover to find a solution that you both think is delicious and sexy.

Use your hands.

Howard would like to remind you that your hands are an incredible BJ asset that can be used at the same time as your mouth, and also in moments when your mouth needs a break. “There are no awards for the best Bluetooth head. You know, hands-free? Use your hands and stroke the penis while performing oral sex,” she says. “Especially when they get ready to cum. You can stroke the penis and angle it away from your mouth and take that time to focus on the testicles.”

Be mindful of your teeth.

But don’t stress about it. There are an inordinate number of horror stories about people who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin their partner's dick with their razor molars or something. This is not—I repeat, not—a regular occurrence. Have some awareness of where your teeth are in relation to their penis so that you avoid causing them any pain or discomfort, but don’t let it get to your head (or either one of theirs).

Use your tongue.

It’s not the strongest muscle in your body for no reason, okay?! Tongues are sexy as hell, and the chances are high that your partner’s going to want to see yours in action as you lick the living daylights outta their phallus. While giving head, play around with tongue shapes: Wide and flat on the shaft and tight and pointy on the tip are two good places to start.

Hirschman suggests licking their shaft while holding eye contact, and tickling your tongue across the shaft as you go up and down.

Also, you can use your tongue to trick them into thinking they're all the way in your mouth, like magic, if magic were sexier. Just either tuck their penis underneath your tongue or use your tongue to block the back of your throat (this also protects your delicate gag reflexes just in case).

Blow jobs are great, but they can take time.

Although people do seem to love them, it’s not something that begins and ends in a matter of seconds (usually). These things can be a lot of work, especially if you’re down there for, like, 15 minutes. You can quit whenever you want though—never feel like you’re dropping out of a race early.

Porn has some decent pointers.

Sex ed should definitely be better in this country, but I really doubt we’ll ever have gym coaches teaching good blow job decorum in front of a bunch of confused teenagers. And that’s probably for the best? Anyway. People don’t tend to f*ck IRL like they do in porn, but sometimes those close-up shots of someone ferociously sucking a D can serve as good little tutorials on how to move your head. Just don’t attempt deep-throating if you’re not very experienced.

Once you’ve gotten your porny techniques down, Hirschman recommends trying to create some suction, kind of like a vacuum, right when you feel the tip of their dick get the hardest. “This creates an extremely powerful orgasm,” she says.

Literally no one can deep-throat without gagging.

I vaguely remember some girl in ninth grade telling me that all grown women literally swallow lidocaine or the stuff in those Orajel swabs before giving a blow job so they don’t gag on a dick. Don’t do this! Don’t drink lidocaine! No! If you’re worried about gagging or throwing up on someone you like, the solution is to just not deep-throat a penis.

You do not have to give a BJ just to get head in return.

If someone refuses to go down on you because you don’t like giving BJs, or for literally any other reason, they suck (except lol, they don’t suck, hahaha get it?). This is the epitome of thank u, next. There are tons of people out there who are going to love the idea of going down on you, so go find them!

You’re still good in bed, even if you don’t like blow jobs.

Blow jobs are great and fun and lots of people love them, but if they’re not your thing, that’s totally fine. BJs are just one option on an endless menu of sexy stuff you can do with another person. Blow jobs can be super hot and build lots of juicy intimacy, but they’re not the end-all-be-all if you don’t want them to be. Trust your gut (and your gag reflex) and you can’t go wrong.

 

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