Decoding the power of sexual therapy and how it improves performance and intimacy

Sex is supposed to be an instant mood lifter—it makes you feel good from within and glow on the outside. But what happens when the action in between the sheets is shaky, the chemistry fizzles out, and things start to become monotonous and mechanical? With stress increasing and the time you spend with your partner decreasing, it’s important to enjoy sex, navigate sexual problems and revive one’s sex life. Past sexual trauma could also have a role to play, only serving to complicate things further. 

With professional care focused on getting to the root of the problem, sexual therapy has helped a host of individuals and couples with practical actionable solutions that have helped restore a happy, healthy and fulfilling sex life for them. Here’s what it’s all about.

What Is sex therapy and what does a sex therapist do?

A cognitive therapeutic speciality, sex therapy focuses on treating various issues related to sexual dysfunctions—sexual problems and concerns such as issues surrounding arousal, performance, low or absent sexual desire, difficulty with orgasm, and sexual pain disorders, amongst others. Other examples could also include one partner having a higher sex drive and needs not being met by their partner or a person with a low sex drive looking to satisfy their partner. This is where the person facing these issues comes to a sex therapist to talk things through with them and work towards a solution. Sex therapists, as mental healthcare providers, focus on issues around mental health, emotional well-being, and relationship well-being. "They help a client navigate difficulties regarding sex and intimacy. We just don’t talk about the physical act of sex, but everything surrounding it. They speak about their feelings about intimacy, and how they relate to love. It’s about developing confidence and connection with their partner to have more fulfilling experiences," says Khushi Parikh, Sexuality Counsellor and Therapist at GetIntimacy.   

Sex therapists also look at how sexual problems can be caused by underlying issues, such as depression, anxiety, relationship problems, and past trauma and weave these together into their care plan to help clients achieve their goals. "People can be depressed about not having sex. A lot of grief comes from the fact that people see sex as a milestone. If they’ve spent time without it, they could feel sad about not having it. We (sex therapists) make them focus on the solution and what could be done because there is always a better place to be, compared to the place they come from. It's the same in the case of anxiety as premature ejaculation or having trouble keeping a hard-on happens because you’re thinking ahead," adds Parikh.  

Pallavi Barnwal, sexuality and intimacy coach and founder of GetIntimacy talks about what really needs to change. “The bar is so low that if sex is happening somehow, it is going well. Very few say that they are not happy with the sex. Most of them are content with just getting sex.” 

Therapists also try to understand things like sexual orientation or sexual shame that someone may experience, having grown up in settings where sex wasn’t openly spoken about. “Therapy helps in explaining to clients and helping them understand that there are different orientations and nothing is taboo. I’ve spoken to so many married women who were bisexual and just wanted some form of validation. The onus lies on us to make them understand that they can be attracted to anyone. People don’t want commitment, but just a connection. Remember that sexuality is what you set out for yourself, and not what someone else sets out for you.” 

Types of sex therapy

Just like normal therapy, sex therapy is divided into two major types that are based on what you need. The first is individual therapy, which sees a person facing issues affecting their sexual function, dealing with sexual trauma or looking to improve their sexual health individually. Then, there’s couple sex therapy for partners looking to work together within their relationship to improve intimacy, communication, or sexual connection. "Sex therapy is easier when a couple approaches you. In general therapy, you can talk about that person and their individual experiences. Having a session with one individual gives me one side of the story. On the other hand, couples therapy sees me hear both sides of the story along with having the couple talk to each other in a safe space. A lot of times, when there’s just one person, I ask them if there’s a relationship problem. And tell them to bring their partner to therapy if they’re open to the idea."

How to make the client feel comfortable? 

As much as one may be open to seeking therapy, which is always great, they’re always nervous for their very first session with a therapist. Shifting the topic to sex—unfortunately still widely considered a taboo subject, the task does get a lot tougher for sex therapists to make the client feel comfortable talking to them. So what do they do? “I use a lot of metaphors. I speak about the situation in a non-sexual way, use terms and words that we use in day-to-day life and link it to sex. I had a client who said that her husband doesn’t initiate sex. I remember telling her to imagine that she’s throwing a party and has to invite guests. You have to keep time for this where you’re present and don’t have other commitments. Along with that you have to set up the scene for the party, get into the best mood, and make it a nice experience. I ended the conversation by telling her that if she doesn’t have the energy to throw a party, throw a high tea. What I meant by that is that you don’t need to have sex, you can just make out,” says Barnwal. 

Parikh has her own way too. "You have to be very playful with these things. If I talk in clinical terms and come on with my glasses, notepad and pen and talk about sex, it’s going to intimidate the person a lot. I ask them about themselves and have a rapport-building session that’s not about sex at all. They need to see me as friendly, [someone] who they can talk to about anything. Once I find a common ground, I get into the problem and what are their chief concerns. It’s a gradual process. They need to know and trust you that you won’t be judging them." 

At the end of the day, therapists aren’t magicians. The onus also lies on the person to have their expectations in check. “All that we do is define goals and make a step-by-step plan. We show them a path where we cover points via exercises and discussions. I recently told a client of mine, a man in his 60s—who was very sexually active and wanted to learn something new—I told him about the sexiest organ in our body: the skin. There are so many sensory points and areas to play with. Touch and massage are so underrated. People keep doing the same thing in the same manner. It’s important to teach them how to communicate, express, as well as knowing when...,” adds Barnwal.  

The benefits of sex therapy

Addressing sexual dysfunctions and enhancing your sex life through expert strategies will help you have a more fulfilling and happy sex life. Secondly, sex therapy provides a safe space to discuss private and intimate topics openly which will help you improve communication and foster a deeper bond with your partner. For those who have gone through sexual trauma, therapy offers a holistic approach to understanding and overcoming past experiences and developing better emotional and sexual health. 

Starting your journey with a sex therapist can be transformative. It’s not just about improving your sex life but it’s also about improving your overall emotional and relational well-being. Whether you’re working through sexual trauma or seeking to enrich your intimate life, sex therapy offers a path to healing and growth.

All images: Netflix  

Also read: How to increase sexual intimacy in your relationship

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