Are you in a ‘Backburner Relationship'? Here are 7 ways to deal with it

Have you ever felt like you’re someone’s fallback plan, their plan B, either in the early stages of dating or even when in an existing relationship? The uncertainty about where you stand in their life, especially when you’re in the zone where you guys are close but not close enough or you’re are not in a relationship because there’s no sense of commitment from them and yet it’s more than mere friendship, can be quite daunting. That sinking feeling of not being their first choice, despite your genuine investment in them, can be heartbreaking, but fret not, it's not a one-off situation with you. In the world of dating, this is often referred to as a ‘Backburner Relationship’. While having a backup plan is a sensible approach in various aspects of life, implementing this mindset in a relationship proves to be far from ideal.

 

 

What is a ‘Backburner Relationship’?

A ‘Backburner' is a person to whom one is not committed but keeps a certain degree of contact; thus leaving the door open for possible romantic or sexual relationships in the future. 'Backburner Relationships' are like having a safety net, not putting all your eggs in one basket. 

 

These aren’t restricted to a particular relationship status—they can sneak in at any stage, whether you’re single, casually dating or in a committed relationship. When you’re single, it’s all about exploring the possibilities and connecting with various people. In casual dating scenarios, where there’s no serious commitment, people often keep these backburners simmering. But here’s the surprise, even people in committed relationships may find themselves maintaining a backburner connection, often with their past flames.

 

Does it count as cheating?

Whether a 'Backburner Relationship' qualifies as cheating can be a complex and subjective matter. A 'Backburner Relationship' involves maintaining an emotional connection with someone while being in another primary relationship. While it may not involve physical intimacy, it can still breach the boundaries of emotional fidelity and trust. Ultimately, what constitutes cheating depends on the expectations and agreements within your relationship. The key lies in candid communication with your partner to establish clear boundaries and ensure mutual understanding.

 

 

Here are 7 ways to deal with 'Backburner Relationship'

 

Talk to them

Initiate an open and honest conversation with your partner. Express your feelings, concerns, and expectations. Ask them about their intentions and where they see the relationship going. This dialogue can help both of you understand each other's perspectives and decide the way forward.

 

Make your relationship status clear

It's crucial to define the nature of your relationship. If you desire commitment and exclusivity, express this clearly to your partner. If they are not on the same page, it's better to know early on rather than after investing time in a relationship that doesn't align with your goals.

 

Don’t lower your confidence

Remember that your partner's desire to keep options open is not a reflection of your worth or attractiveness. It's their choice and may stem from their own uncertainties or personal preferences. Maintain your self-confidence and self-esteem. Don’t let your partner's decisions diminish your confidence because it’s not your fault at all.

 

Let them prioritise 

In a 'Backburner Relationship', your partner might be juggling multiple options. Give them the space to make decisions and prioritise the relationship. However, don't wait indefinitely. If they continually prioritise other options or keep you in a state of uncertainty, you might need to reassess the relationship's viability.

 

Keep expectations low

In a 'Backburner Relationship', it's essential to understand that your partner might not prioritise the relationship as much as you do. This doesn't mean you should settle for less, but it's important to be realistic about what you can expect from the relationship. By keeping expectations in check, you can reduce the potential for disappointment and frustration.

 

Set boundaries 

Creating well-defined boundaries is important in all relationships, particularly within the context of a backburner scenario. Articulate your emotional requirements and the support you expect from your partner. Setting boundaries helps maintain your self-respect and ensures that you're not compromising your well-being for the sake of the relationship. Keep in mind that establishing boundaries is a form of self-care and an act of preserving your well-being.

 

Don’t hesitate to leave if they can’t commit 

If your partner is hesitant to commit to the relationship, don't hesitate to explore alternative options. It's important to prioritise your happiness and well-being. Sometimes, leaving a situation that doesn't meet your needs is the healthiest choice.