A definitive ranking of all the weird (and funny) words for vagina

Pussy or poonani? Fanny or foof? Hoo hoo or foo foo? Everyone has a preferred slang word for their vagina. While some like to use the classics (can we interest you in a vag, vajayjay, or lady garden?), others opt for nicher phrases to refer to their private parts - because who's even heard of a 'panty hamster?'. And, thanks to the internet getting way more inventive, the creative, obscure, and downright bizarre terms just keep on coming.

So, if you're looking for a new and original pet name for when the simple – and anatomically correct – vagina or vulva won't do (depending on which specific part of yourself you're referring to), we've done a little research for you.

In the spirit of choice, here's our definitive ranking of all the different words for vagina:

1. Fanny
A British institution, right up there with scones (not literally up there). Also hilarious to hear Americans say because they think it means bum. Gutted.

2. Pussy
Sounds a bit naughty and also cats are awesome? Thumbs up all round.

3. Vag
It's brisk. It's to the point. It rhymes with Madge, of Neighbours fame. What's not to love?

4. Bits
Easy to drop into conversation with minimal awks. Depending on the rest of the sentence, that is. ("God, my bits need a right good wax" = still potentially quite awkward.)

5. Minky
Real cute. But also the name of a line of household products favoured by Mrs Hinch, which is a tad distracting.

6. Bajingo
Vag meets bingo. Two of life's most brilliant things.

7. Foof
Acceptable up until the age of 10. After that, a bit strange.

8. Fufu
Much the same, we probably shouldn't be using this one as an adult. Though Urban Dictionary does define 'Fufu Land' as a magical place...

9. Thingy
Used and adored by awkward ladies everywhere.

10. Vajayjay
Fun and flamboyant, this could also be the name of a Strictly Come Dancing move. Sure to add a bit of sass to any vagina-based conversation.

11. Kitty
A vastly creepier version of pussy, somehow.

12. Vagine
A more exotic alternative to 'vagina' - and it rhymes with tagine. The poetry possibilities are endless.

13. Bean
Okay, technically this refers to the clit, not the vulva, but we couldn't not include it. But contrary to popular belief, actually flicking the bean probably isn't advised.

14. Mary-Ellen
Used proudly by an anonymous Cosmopolitan staffer and given *rave* reviews.

15. Clunge
Horrific when used with sincerity, and yet totally acceptable when used ironically. Thank you, Jay from The Inbetweeners, for that. We think?

16. Downstairs
Can get awkward if you're talking about something that is literally downstairs and the other person thinks you're talking about your vag.

17. Twat
Sounds a bit like splat. Which is a bit gross in a vaginal context. Steer clear.

18. Hole
There's so much more to a vagina than the hole. Sure, it's descriptive and to the point, but it's a little functional and reductive for our tastes. Not something to be used in any sexual context.

19. Box
A tad misleading in terms of capacity, but whatever floats your boat.

20. Penis fly trap
If you can try and avoid the disturbing mental visual, this is some truly great wordplay.

21. Sex
"Have sex with my sex!" Erm. What?

22. Fandango
A far more exotic version of fanny. Again, could be a type of dance performed on Strictly.

23. Cunt
There's a reason it rhymes with blunt. There are still people out there deeply offended by this one, so maybe use it with caution.

24. Flower
If 80's Monica from Friends used to say it, chances are you shouldn't be using it these days.

25. Beaver
Whilst beavers can be cute, this slang term isn't.

26. Muff
Depends on your pube-stance, really. *shrugging emoji*

27. Front bottom
If the above doesn't suit you, maybe this one will.

28. *Pointing silently and awkwardly towards crotch*
As a wise man named Ronan once said: 'You say it best when you say nothing at all'.

29. Doo-dah
Also a common name for a remote. Neither thing will function properly in the wrong hands.

30. Tuppence
It's worth a bit more than that, thanks.

31. Whispering eye
The idea of a vagina whispering, and/or having the ability to blink, is just too horrifying for words tbh.

32. Coochie
A classic. We have our friends across the pond to thank for this one...

33. Minge
Not the best option, however can we caveat by saying "Ooh, they've just given me a twinge in the minge!" is a fun equivalent to saying you've got 'fanny flutters' à la Love Island's Maura Higgins?

34. Lady garden
Admittedly referring to pubes rather than vaginas themselves, gardens are dirty, weedy and bug-infested. But with any luck, ours aren't.

35. Minnie
The childhood vagina euphemism of choice much to Minnie Mouse's dismay.

36. Mini
A variation of Minnie, this option is not much better.

37. Noo-noo
Makes you see that hoover-thing from Teletubbies in a whole new light, doesn't it?

38. Growler
Can we just... not?

39. Flange
Is it just us, or does any word with a 'ge' sound a bit... off?

40. Snatch
It's fair to say this one doesn't do justice to the beauty of your vag.

41. Pussoir
Courtesy of algospeak, you've likely heard your fave sex positive influencers use this one before.

42. Foo foo
Um... What?

43. Hoo ha
What's with all the oos?

44. Nonny
Yet again, not the nicest sounding name.

45. Pink taco
Tacos are very delicious, so....

46. Panty hamster
Say what now?

47. C u next Tuesday
A variation of the earlier blunt, 'cunt,' this one's probably for those who want to say the word but pride themselves on having never sworn like Schitt's Creek's Jocelyn.

48. Vertical smile
Is it just us, or is this one actually kind of cute? And also kinda creepy? (No teeth, pls).

49. Cha Cha
This actually is a dance they perform on Strictly.

50. Cherry
'Poppin' your cherry' might have been a fun thing to say in the 50s, but it's not so cute now. Saying that, cherries are very sweet and tasty, and the same can be said for vaginas.

51. Honey pot
Kind of giving Winnie the Pooh vibes, kind of giving cherry vibes, a.k.a. cute, sweet and tasty. Your call.

52. Slit
Ew. Absolutely not.

53. Nether regions
According to Oxford Reference, 'nether regions' is a "genteel euphemism for the genital and excretory area, adopted from an earlier term for the underworld or hell." So we're gonna give this one a hard no.

54. Peach
We are a sucker for the peach emoji, so we reckon we can get on board with this one.

55. Wee Wee
Unless you're a toddler, it's best not to go there.

56. Cookie
There does seem to be a bit of a food theme going on here.

57. Love tunnel.
Lol.

58. Hairy Potter
Again, lol. Hey, you've gotta laugh at some of these otherwise you'll cry.

59. Flaming Lips
Might be one for you if you're a fan of the American psychedelic rock band of the same name. Might not be one for you otherwise.

60. Vulva
Last but not least, we have the correct term for the whole thing, including the lips surrounding the vagina, the clitoris, and the small glands on either side.

Lead image credits: Pexels
 

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