70 funny jokes to have up your sleeve

Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."

Here are 50 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.
 

• How do you know if a vampire is unwell?

Because he'll be coffin

• Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand shops

• Why did the bicycle collapse?

It was too tyred

• What kind of music do bubbles hate?

Pop

• Why did the hairdresser win the race?

He knew a shortcut

• How did the picture end up in prison?

It was framed

• What do solicitors wear to work?

Lawsuits

• Why did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired

• Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?

Then it’d be a foot

• Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

• What does a house wear?
  
  Address!

• What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner"

• Why is grass so dangerous?

It’s full of blades

• What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?

A parrot

• Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food

• Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?

A meatball

• How do trees get online?

They just log on!

• How do billboards talk?

Sign language

Food jokes

• What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?

Academia nuts

• Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?

In case there's a salad dressing

• Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?

He was on a roll

• Why do prawns never share?

Because they're shellfish

• What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?

Halloumi!

• What do you call a drunk parsnip?

A steaming vegetable

• Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi

• Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling

• What did one pickle say to the other?

Dill with it

• What food is never on time?

Choco-late!

• What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
 

Animal jokes

• What’s the most famous fish?

A starfish!

• What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web

• What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador

• How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator

• What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator

• Where would you find a giraffe?

The same place you lost it!

• Why don't they play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

• How do you measure a slug?

In inches, because they don't have feet

• What social events do spiders love to attend?

Webbings

• What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

• Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications

• What do you call a well-balanced horse?

Stable

• What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

• What’s the smartest insect?

A spelling bee!

More funny jokes

• What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?

A-Dell

• When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

• What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?

They always get a bit flush

• How do you organise a space-themed party?

You planet

• Why do pancakes always win at cricket?

They have the best batter

• Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?

He had a hard-drive

• What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing - they fast

• How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?

You rocket

• What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

• Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's point-less

• What did the policeman say to his nipple?

You're under a vest

• Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?

He kept getting lost at C

• Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?

She kept running away from the ball

• What did the dentist win at the competition?

A little plaque

• What do you call a skeleton with only a head?

A nobody

• What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

• Why do ghosts like to take the lift?

It lifts their spirits

• What do you call a patronising bear?

A pan-duh

• Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field

• Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?

He didn't have the guts to ask anyone

• Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it

• Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

He's a bit of a pain in the neck

• What do you call a guy who’s really loud?

Mike

• What do you call a retired vegetable?

A has-bean

• Can February March?

No, but April May!

• Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?

Its days are numbered

• Why do barbers make good drivers?

They know a lot of short cuts