6 signs that say you’re self-sabotaging your relationship (and how to chill out)

Everyone deserves good things to happen to them, except people who call you up at 9:30 A.M. for an absolutely random work meeting. Yet, sometimes, between dealing with your imposter syndrome and fear of getting hurt, you push them away. You ghost yourself out of a good thing because you just can’t stop spiralling. Whether it’s overthinking that one-text reply or planning your emotional escape route before things even get serious, self-sabotage is the ultimate villain in the romedy of your life. In such cases, the only thing standing between our wishful healthy relationship and you… is, in fact, you. 

You may be seeing someone really great, who looks like a bomb, smells like a meadow, and treats you with nothing but love and respect. Given the current dating pool, we'd say hold on to them! You love them and you feel like finally, your toxic dating pattern may be ready to self-immolate. But what's that thing holding you back or making you unleash unpleasantries onto them? Yep, that's you strutting around with Taylor Swift's Anti-Hero as your BGM. Self-sabotaging usually involves your underlining or over-thought feelings and behaviours that reduce the chances of your relationship working out. Since vulnerability and intimacy are often shared with those that have significant emotional importance in your life, it sometimes leads to withdrawal because the mind has already signalled the possibility of a major heartbreak. But don’t worry, recognising these signs is the first step to not being the reason for your relationship drama. 

Here’s how to spot those sneaky habits and get your head back in the game:

Your partner is not a Pinterest board 

 

It’s great to have a vision for what you want in a partner—shared values, mutual respect, and good vibes are key. But when your checklist reads like a non-negotiable (looking for a man in finance; trust fund, 6'5”, blue eyes), you’re setting yourself—and them—up for disappointment. No one is perfect, and expecting so much out of them can create unnecessary pressure and resentment.

How to stop: Focus on the essentials that truly matter for a healthy relationship like communication, kindness, and shared goals and with that embrace the real person in front of you. Perfect is overrated, anyway. 

You’re constantly reading between the lines (even when there's nothing there)

"He said, ‘Talk later.’ What does that even mean?!" If your partner’s texts send you into overdrive, imagining worst-case scenarios or decoding emojis like you're analysing ancient inscriptions, this might be your brain playing tricks on you.

How to stop: Texting isn’t a love language—ask for clarity instead of assuming. And remind yourself, not every pause is a breakup warning. 

You keep comparing your relationship to others

Whether it’s your bestie’s #CoupleGoals posts or fictional love lives on the gram, you’re using someone else’s pinned reel as the barometer for your relationship. Spoiler alert: It’s not fair, not to you or them. 

How to stop: Social media isn’t real life. Instead of comparing, focus on what makes your relationship special—like what are we doing right together? 

Putting your partner to the test (Love isn’t pop quiz) 

 

“If you really cared, you’d know what’s wrong”—makes a crumbly cake with the recipe of frustration and miscommunication. While it might seem like a way to gauge their commitment, these tests often stem from insecurity and can make your partner feel like they’re walking on eggshells. 

How to stop: Instead of setting traps, express your needs directly. When you’re clear about what you want, you give your partner the chance to show up willingly—not under pressure. 

Taking time for yourself v/s taking a time-out

 

Taking time for peace is about re-centring yourself to show up better for your partner—it’s intentional and healthy. But if you’re taking a time-out because the relationship feels like a constant burden, you may be retreating to avoid addressing deeper vulnerability issues. The problem? This can create distance instead of solving anything, leaving both of you feeling more disconnected.

How to stop: Reflect on why you’re stepping back. Leaning in with vulnerability rather than withdrawing can lighten the emotional load for both of you. Remember, the goal isn’t to escape but to rebuild balance together.

Lead image: Netflix

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