10 people reveal how they handle desire discrepancy in their relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship where you craved way more sex than your partner? Or where your partner usually wanted to have more sex than you even though you were still majorly attracted to them? It’s frustrating, but no matter what any late-night Googling might tell you, your relationship isn't doomed. This is called desire discrepancy, and PSA, it’s common. A 2015 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that 80 per cent of participants were able to recall a time in which they experienced desire discrepancy, and 95 (!!) per cent of participants said they’d experienced it in the past year.

Sex therapist Kamil Lewis, chief people officer of The Expansive Group, describes desire discrepancy as “a phrase used to describe what happens when one partner or partners wants to engage in sex in a different way, or at a different rate than their other partner(s).” Maybe one partner desires sex several times a week, but the other is satisfied with sex once a month. Neither is right or wrong—desire discrepancy happens simply because people are different, and it’s only to be expected that you and your partner(s) won’t have identical sex drives 100 per cent of the time.

That also means that there’s not one perfect solution for the masses—everyone has different needs. But Lewis explains that people tend to put pressure on the frequency of sex in the relationship when what they actually want is to feel safe with and connected to their partners. (And that can happen in several other ways that aren’t inherently sexual.)

For those experiencing mismatched libidos, Lewis suggests having intentional conversations about what each partner is feeling and experiencing. “As easy as it sounds, this is actually the hard part for most people,” she says. “This requires vulnerability and using language that we might not be comfortable with.” People experiencing desire discrepancy can benefit from being honest and upfront about what they want their sex life to look like, and continue doing so regularly since needs can (and often do) evolve.

We know desire discrepancy can be hard. It’s easy to get in your head about why your partner wants less sex than you, even if you know it’s not a “you” thing. It’s also just as easy to feel like you can’t sexually satisfy your partner if your libido isn’t as high as theirs. But just know that relationships are nuanced and require different solutions for different people. If you’re stumped on where to start, we asked 10 readers to share the ways they handle their own desire discrepancies—because everyone deserves a mutually satisfying sex life with the person (or people) they love.

1. “As a heterosexual male in a cross-cultural relationship, I've encountered challenges related to desire and intimacy pretty often. From a Western perspective, my approach to initiating sex was often more direct—asking for it straight up—while my partner's was subtler and more nuanced—hinting and tip-toeing around initiating. We found that discussing our different ways of thinking was vital to bridging our different styles. We did couples counselling where our counsellor suggested establishing a 'desire dialogue'—we shared thoughts and feelings about intimacy that helped bridge our cultural differences and deepen our connection. As we learned more about each other's desires and comfort zones, we found a rhythm that worked for us." —Lachlan, 28

2. “Currently, I’m in a relationship with a male partner, and we've encountered differences in our sexual desires and preferences. Each day, we make it a point to affirm our love and attraction for each other beyond physical desires—morning hugs, compliments that don’t relate to how we look, and vocal reassurance that we love one another. This reinforces our emotional connection and makes it easier to deal with physical desire differences. We also schedule regular times for intimacy. I know it sounds amusing to have a specific time for sex, but this isn't necessarily sexual. This can be cuddling, deep conversations, or simply spending quality time together. It helps us maintain a close bond. ” —Raquel, 30

3. “I’m polyamorous and all of my partners desire sex more often than I do. Most of them are also kinkier than I am. It’s one of the things I love most about polyamory—I’ve never had to feel bad about turning down sex or certain sexual acts because I know they can experience those things elsewhere. It takes the pressure off even if my partners choose not to pursue additional partners, because knowing they can means that I’m freed from the burden of holding them back.” —Ash*, 26

4. "My partner and I didn't start perfectly synced in the landscape of desire, which initially led to misunderstandings and unmet expectations. We made it a point to handle the situation with patience and empathy. Our first step was creating a safe space to communicate our needs without judgment—this involved regular check-ins where we could express our feelings and desires openly. Trying to navigate each other's emotional and physical needs was awkward at first because we didn't want to step on one another's toes, but this has since become a cornerstone of our relationship. We've explored activities to align our connection, whether it’s an intimate date night, having new experiences together, or simply taking the time to understand each other's love languages. The biggest takeaway has been that communication, honesty, and a willingness to adjust are vital in navigating desire discrepancy together." —Jessica, 32

5. "Understanding our different desires has been a learning curve, but we found it best to try to learn what sex meant to us and why we wanted it. For example, I want my girlfriend to initiate more often so I can be reassured she's sexually attracted to me. When I initiate and get let down, it can hurt my ego and make me feel unattractive. After communicating with my partner about these feelings, she now knows that if I initiate and she doesn't want to have sex, I need her to vocally tell me how much she desires me and that she can't wait to have sex with me soon. When she does crave sex again, she initiates so I can be reassured that she is very much still interested in me. It's been difficult at times, but we’ve both matured as a result of feeling compassion and understanding towards each other." —Grace*, 28

6. "The fundamental strategy that has worked for us is scheduling regular times to discuss our needs, desires, and concerns. This creates a safe space for open communication and allows us to express ourselves without fearing being misunderstood or judged. We've found it essential to embrace flexibility and understanding, as desire can fluctuate due to god knows what—stress, health, work pressures, and more. Being empathetic to each other's situations and accommodating these changes has been crucial. We also experiment with different ways to connect romantically and sexually, keeping our relationship dynamic and adjusting to our evolving needs." —Kayden, 28

7. "My wife and I both had a very high level of desire when we started to date, so we were having sex more often than we weren't, which is not sustainable at all. Once our desires shifted, we made sure to keep communication lines open at all times. I know it was a struggle for my wife when I wasn’t interested in sex because she craved feeling desired, and I just wasn’t in that head space. We talked about other ways she felt desired by me, and experiencing physical touch and presence was something she mentioned that felt accessible to me. Each day, we have at least a few minutes where we put down our phones and just hold each other. Sometimes that leads to more, but often it doesn’t.It doesn't really matter because we are both having our needs met." —Jess*, 43

8. “Most of the people I’ve been in long-term relationships with have had much lower libidos than mine, which is probably higher than the average person’s. Non-monogamy helps me meet my own sexual needs without turning them into an area of deficit when I’m being fulfilled in other ways in a relationship. Since being non-monogamous, I’ve never really found myself resenting not having sex with someone I’m seeing as long as they accept it’s a need that I can and will fulfil elsewhere.” —J, 25

9. “At the beginning of our relationship, the sex was frequent and easy. When we had kids, everything changed dramatically. The sex became infrequent; my wife felt much less pleasure and strange in her own body, and I became insecure about my appearance. For the first time, I felt like I was bad at sex. When we were intimate, it felt like a lot of pressure and would lead to fights. Thanks to the help of therapists, we've changed our mindset from intimacy being an on-off switch of penetration or nothing, to a whole spectrum of possibilities for engaging with each other. This can look like holding hands, cuddling, touching each other, kissing, and so on. We've also had to change our goal from orgasm as the only point of sex, to sex becoming an opportunity to connect sensually and physically. We view that as part of the process of growing and learning what we both want. —Aaron*, 37

10. “My boyfriend and I started doing sexual check-ins to try and aid the tension we had from experiencing different sexual wants. In these check-ins, we began to talk about desires we were interested in, and one of those things was kink. We started trying out different activities (BDSM, ropes, blindfolds), and it made our sex life intoxicating. Although kink can be very sexual, it does not have to be at all; it can also be used as a form of connection. We would tie each other up while watching TV—with no expectations of anything—and sometimes one thing led to another, and we'd have sex. It's been so easy and fun and has taken off so much pressure in the relationship." —Lilly*, 25

*Name has been changed.

*Some quotes have been condensed and edited for clarity.

Lead image credit: Khadija Horton//Getty Images

This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan Us.com in December 2023.

Also read: Here's why making out in the shower is so so good!

Also read: Does music really make sex sexier?