Actor Bani J talks about following her instinct, no matter what

“I find it amusing when people call me a rebel or a rulebreaker because doing the things we love is what life should be about. And I have been following that philosophy all my life. Having been a part of the industry since I was 18 years old, I am familiar with the pressure to look like a ‘filtered photograph’, and that has been further escalated by the booming social media addiction. I have definitely seen how hard it can be for women and men who don’t fit this ‘ideal’, and how much it affects their self-worth. 

Personally, I don’t think about fitting in. I have always stuck to my instincts and followed my heart—be it getting tattoos or lifting weights for a more defined form. However, people couldn’t accept that and I faced rejection at an early stage in my career—and it wasn’t easy to deal with. But I continued doing what made me happy, because in accepting myself, other people had no choice but to accept me as well. And if figuring yourself out and serving a higher purpose through doing what makes you happy are the qualities that define a rulebreaker— since it’s not the norm—then I am definitely one. 

Being so heavily tattooed and working in the film and television industry is definitely an anomaly, especially in India. So you can only imagine that my list of ‘f*ck yous’ is a long one. I have said f*ck off to people who wanted to control what I should look like. 

I have said f*ck off to people who tried to dictate what I should be doing with my life—and also what I shouldn’t be doing with my life. I have said f*ck off to people who don’t grow on me...’cuz, you know, energy is so precious. And I have said f*ck off to my own thoughts about putting others’ happiness before mine. I don’t mind it to an extent, but I know now that I need to love and take care of myself first. 

Full disclosure: people’s judgement and narrow-mindedness did bother me earlier. The comments section of my [social media] profile is rife with nasty remarks. I have been called a ‘she-male’ and ‘she-hulk’. People often leave comments saying, ‘OMG, why do you want to be a boy so bad?’. But I have learned to no longer care about haters. Though, funnily, over the years, comments about my body have drastically reduced, and become more about my sexuality— because of the bisexual character I play on Four More Shots Please!. The thing is, people just want to slap you with labels and sort you into a column or a box as it helps them not feel threatened by the ‘unknown’.

I have always had a kick*ss relationship with my body. My body has always been home to me. It has been my faithful companion, and the trust I have built with mine—with regard to its capabilities—has only elevated this relationship further. Over the years, I have seen how much my fitness journey has inspired people—because they have seen how far I have come, not just physically, but as a person. Of course, this has a lot to do with the experiences I have had in life, but training has been my anchor throughout—the iron has truly been my most-consistent companion in the past decade.”